Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
And I bet, and you exploded into my heart
And I forget, I forget, the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet
Dire Straits - "Romeo and Juliet"
It’s been years since I have met someone I had truly cared for. I finally met this person and found myself really enjoying their company and developing a lot of feelings for them. For a number of reasons, our relationship is over and it seems that the more I think about the relationship, the more I get upset about it. I’m upset that it’s over but I’m more upset that I was blind to how one-sided it was. It feels like I was required to prove how much I cared for them over and over with nothing of the kind coming back my way. It’s hard for me to think that I was happy in a relationship where it wasn’t as 50/50 as I would think I need it to be. The whole thing is very discouraging and I feel like I’m old enough to know better. How could I not see that coming? I really felt as if they were on the same page as me.
- A
They probably did feel the same, at least the best they could at this point in their life. If you can think back to the first time you loved someone, you probably didn’t have a limit you were setting. It was as much as you could do back then, though today you probably can love someone better or more. It’s just a part of growing as an individual; we’re deeper and more complicated, know what we want for ourselves, know how to treat people better, and have learned from mistakes we have made in the past that hurt us and/or our partners. If your partner was at a different point in their life and development than you are, it’s not surprising that he or she couldn’t meet you 50/50 or wherever you needed them to be.
Who were you
when these times passed?As you may have read here before, relationships are as much a skill as anything else and most people can’t just naturally do everything right. It’s not that they’re bad, mean, or anything of the kind. It’s just asking of them more than they are capable of doing, although they would never see it that way since inside their world, 100% is 100% and all there is to give.
Nobody likes to play the fool, but this isn’t a weakness of yours or an oversight. It’s extremely difficult to tell where someone is in their life, especially when they make you feel good about yourself and your relationship.
Up next is the point where you prepare yourself for what will be the next relationship in your life, whenever that may be. The dream is over. You had hopes but the hopes are gone. You have to get to the point where you say goodbye. You still care for them, still have wonderful memories, and there is some pain, but goodbye.
It’s easier said than done, I know.
- NK
Asking only workman's wages
I come looking for a job
But I get no offers
Just a come-on from the whores on Seventh Avenue
I do declare
There were times when I was so lonesome I took some comfort there
Simon and Garfunkel - "The Boxer"
About twenty years ago when I was in college I had a particularly hard break up. I thought that I’d be with this girl forever and I guess she didn’t see it that way since she was cheating on me the whole time we were together. At the time I took it very hard and buried myself in the bottle and also slept with anyone who came along. A lot of time has passed and I’m happily married and have no regrets about that old relationship ending. I love my wife ten times as much as that girl from college. The one thing I do regret is sleeping with anyone and everyone right afterwards. It makes me feel weak and like I was unable to come up with any other solution. Am I just being too hard on myself?
Probably.
Anyone and everyoneYou hurt inside and felt unlovable to some degree. Things were out of your control and you needed to be able to have some control, even if it was a “only right here, right now” situation. Your mind wasn’t making you feel any better so you used physical attention and acceptance as a Band-Aid until you were able to work through the grieving process.
Hopefully when things go unfavorably nowadays, you use something else beyond alcohol and new lovers to make yourself feel better. You probably realize now that neither are good solutions.
As for now, relax. What’s done is done and you’re enjoying your love and life today and that’s much more important than something you did twenty years ago.
- NK
Slip inside the eye of your mind
Don't you know you might find
A better place to play
Oasis - "Don't Look Back in Anger"
I’ve always been one of the smartest people in my social circle. I always just “get it” and always have. I never had a problem with school, no problem landing a high-paying job, and no real problem with any challenge with anything set before me. That is, except for women. I’ve read all kinds of books on them and even studied them in social settings. I can finally approach them without any problem but I can’t seem to keep them interested for any length of time. I am not sure if they can tell I’m smarter than average and are intimidated by that or if the topics of our conversation are too advanced for them. I’ve been thinking about attending a dating seminar but I’m not sure how it will go. How effective are those programs?
- Patrick T., NJ
It seems to me that almost every guy I’ve ever talked to who is clearly intelligent has struggled with this issue or something similar.
The problem is that when you’re intelligent, you have certain advantages over the average person. Usually you do things right, you come up with ideas to solve problems, and since you’re usually right and can use your mind to your advantage, when something doesn’t go your way everything seems amiss.
The problem is that when it comes to relationships with women, the tools you usually use to problem solve and get your way aren’t effective. Most intelligent people look for solutions that come from acquiring more information. The problem is, you can get all the information you want in this arena and it doesn’t matter. This isn’t the same as learning how to install a gasket in an engine. There is no step-by-step process that will lead to success every time. First, each situation is so specific that
Second, the results aren’t repeatable - what works with one woman isn’t guaranteed to work with the next. How discouraging!
In my experience, you need to have two things going for you.
1) You need a good set of social skills, which aren’t something you can learn or read in any book. You might be able to get a general concept from somewhere but eventually you’re going to have to put it into play and develop it on your own. If you haven’t taken the time to do this, you’re going to be fighting an uphill battle. You need to learn how to adapt to any conversation and any situation.
2) You have to stop talking about intelligent things, at least at first. When you’re with your friends, they might care how you used Drake’s Equation to estimate that there are 11 intelligent civilizations within 4752 light years from Earth. 
This wasn't coveredMost women won’t. Your friends probably won’t want to talk about how Justin Timberlake has hooked up with Cameron Diaz, Janet Jackson, Jessica Biel, and Scarlett Johanssonall within the last two years. A lot of women will. Who does that Timberlake think he is, anyway?
That isn’t to say that women don’t enjoy intelligent conversation. They certainly do. But that isn’t the vibe that most women want to feel from you initially. Most women want to talk about things that make them feel a certain way, not things that make them think a certain way. As a general rule, you should try to be seen as interesting at first, then intelligent later.
- NK
