I'm hosting a party and the theme is “Celebrity Sex Tapes.” I thought about getting some and playing them during the party, but more as a joke than anything. Which ones are worth my time?
I’m not sure what you’re into, but the best features Croatian star Severina Vuckovic. She’s attractive, into the sex, and the angles aren’t too bad. Plus, before the tape, she was in the spotlight for monogamy, abstinence, etc. and come to find out the guy on the tape with her was married. Now she’s a sex bomb with an even more successful career in Croatia. Voila.
The worst 3 celebrity sex tapes from bad to worst, you ask?
Honorable mention: Tom Sizemore's meltdown/sex tape. Maybe that honorable mention is just a copout; I'm not sure I could capture in words the psychological horror-fest that one is.
A sci-fi classicOne Night in Paris – Paris Hilton and then-boyfriend Rick Salomon
It’s truly mind-blowing that this tape was so popular. If you have ever wanted to see something truly narcissistic in alien-night vision, this is the tape for you. Her poor boyfriend Rick was so distracted by the fact that he was sleeping with Paris Hilton that he didn’t notice how much of a cold, dead fish she was. And did I mention selfish and fake? This is the kind of sex people have because they heard it was cool to have sex. It’s hard to say what the three worst parts of the film are, but let me give it a shot:
- Rick talking dirty to Paris when he might as well be speaking in an archaic Russian dialect. “You like that, baby?” “…something something something big dick…blah blah blah.” Guess what, dude. She ain’t listening. She never was.
- Her pushing him out of frame so she could get a better view of herself. That takes selfish guts, but it’s not as selfishly gutsy as…
- Her going to answer her cell phone in the middle of sex. Is there anything that says “I really don’t care if we’re having sex” more than answering a telephone call in the middle of it? Maybe going to clip some coupons for the grocery store or something.
And if you’re going to film a tape, turn some lights on! That night vision creeps people out. Someone needs to give her The Clapper…wait, nevermind.
Actual screenshot.
Eat your heart out, ScorseseOne Night in China – Former wrestler Chyna and love interest X-Pac.
They should play this video in anti-steroid campaigns. X-Pac looks like someone injected him with 30 pounds of saline solution and China…oh, China. Everyone knows that women don’t get that muscular or that jaw line without a little testosterone boost. What most people don’t get to see everyday, though, is a clitoris that has turned into a 1 1/2” long (pierced) penis from the same injections. Add ass acne with huge boobs on muscular pecs and you’ve got yourself a real winner here.
This says it all about this tapeScreeched – Dustin Diamond and Two Unnamed Nasties
Screeched is truly one of the dumbest, most ridiculous celebrity tapes there will ever be. First of all, it’s way too long – I’m talking about the film here, not his dick. Nobody wants to hear Screech talk about anything (like how he likes cheese and crackers) because he was not relevant when he was on TV, let alone now. His “jokes” and general sense of humor sincerely miss the laugh track that Saved by the Bell provided. When he makes the point to put the Magnum condom in front of the camera, you can’t find your remote fast enough. Also, it’s always bothered me when someone is so proud of their cock that they call it names like “Monster.” Shut up. Just shut up. It really isn’t that amazing, pal.
And the women! Oy! Have you ever wondered what the girls working in strip clubs alongside an interstate in South Dakota might look like having sex? Now’s your chance to find out! It’s particularly disturbing when one of them dons a veil and Diamond hums “Here Comes the Bride” during a blow job. You know someone’s husband is Dante’s Seventh Circle of Hell nowadays.
One can only hope that Zack and Slater are pulling better tail than this.
- GR
I'm trying to find a good porno out there that touches on what I consider to be common fantasies. I'm sick of just the “I'm just here to fuck” vibe that so many pornos have. Where are all the classic French Maid scenes?
- Rob T., Houston, TX
I’ll recommend the Twisted Vision series. There are five of them and I think they are along the lines of what you’re looking for. Just the latest one you have girls getting caught masturbating in the mens’ room, getting a “welcome” at the local Laundromat, giving a male student a lesson in Human Sexuality (a classic), seducing a prison guard, and getting a better tune-up than she brought her car in for. It sounds pretty corny, but it works.
Aren't you a bit old
to be delivering cookies?The other videos cover sex in church, sex with a newspaper delivery girl (?), a Girl Scout, barista, manicurist, and more. As for your French Maid, there is a scene with that as the theme, but you’ll have to deal with the fact that the actress is from Peru.
There are 20-25 scenes in the series so far, so I’m sure you can find something that works for you.
- GR
Recently I started to date a guy I've been interested in for a while. He was hesitant to be physical with me (anything beyond kissing) for quite some time. Once we were comfortable enough to have a conversation about it, he told me that he had recently started to purposely cut and enlarge his urethra and didn't know how I would handle it so he avoided physical contact with me. He was right - I don't know how to handle it. He told me that he wants to incorporate it into his sex life to the point where he can be entered by another man. I have to admit that I have no idea the how's and what's involved with something like that. Is there a good place to go to learn about urethra enlargement? I do care about him and am not worried about the idea other than my ignorance about it.
- John, NYC
Now this is an interesting question. Urethral modification to the point where he can be penetrated? Holy shit, John! That’s a very honest conversation you two had. Thanks for sharing.
The process your partner is referring to - the cutting or tearing done to enlarge the urethra - is called meatotomy. It often evolves from masturbation habits that involve instruments inserted into the urethra. Often times people use bigger and bigger instruments to tear the tissue, while others cut the urethra and keep something inserted inside themselves to keep the sides from healing back together.
One activity that he may enjoy well before he’s ready to be penetrated – that will take a long, long time to get to that point – is called sounding. Sounding is actually an old medical term for using a metal rod to find and dilate parts of the body. In this case, you’d be sounding his urethra. The most common sound used is called a Van Buren which is curved at one end and is about a quarter inch in diameter at the other.
He might also want to eventually try sounding with quarter inch steel balls. These are counted, inserted into the urethra, and left there during masturbation. Once he comes, the balls are shot out – sometimes into a glass container for dramatic effect – and of course counted again to make sure there are none left in the urethra.
You have to keep in mind that this isn’t the safest of all sexual practices. He’s basically performing small surgeries on himself. Take it s-l-o-w and if you notice any signs of damage to the urethra such as blood, brown or orange urine, or pus, he’ll need to see a doctor immediately.
Beyond this, BMEzine.com is probably a better resource for you than this site as far as personal stories, experiences, and even pictures. They are a very helpful, informative community but not for the squeamish.
- GR
