And I hold you close in the back of my mind
And raise my glass 'cause either way I'm dead
Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore
One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul
Ryan Adams - "La Cienega Just Smiled"
My fiancée and I broke up last month. I was blindsided and devastated and don’t know how to handle it. I’m in college and I see her around all the time so it makes it extra painful. The only thing I can do to forget about it is sit there with my friends, feel like shit, and drink. I’m sure they’re sick of me bitching about it 24-7. The thing is that the drinking isn’t helping as much as it used to and I’m starting to think I have a problem. I used to be so much happier and had so much going for me. How can I get my life back together?
First things first. If you think you seriously have a drinking problem, you should see someone about that or just stop drinking with the hopes that it will solve your problems. Alcohol may be a distraction, but it’s not a problem solver. I’ve been down that road myself and can tell you that it just prolongs the hurting and delays the healing process.
This isn't the answerYou have to let that go. The two of you had dreams and unfortunately, those specific dreams are over. Now it’s time to find and make new dreams. It’s difficult to think about, but that is what has to be done. Whether you are ready for it or not, I don’t know. It doesn’t sound like it from what you’ve said here. It sounds like your friends are being very supportive, so invest more time in them without bringing her up. Become closer with your family. Try harder in your classes. Focus energy on anything else but thinking about the two of you. Just go have fun, enjoy college, and be guys. I think you can get back into that routine faster than you think.
Whether you believe that everything happens for a reason or that everything happens and we find the reason, someday you’ll look back on this and be grateful it turned out like this. I know that seems ridiculous right now when you’re emotionally involved to the level you are, but I know it’s the truth.
Good luck in your healing process.
- NK
It's follow the leader, baby
That's how it's gonna be
If you ever really wanna get lost
Then follow me
Matthew Ryan - "Follow the Leader"
I think I’ve run into a couple good guys in my 20-something years on the planet, one in particular. I guess what I’m stuck doing is hoping that I meet a good guy and then pushing them away when I’m meet them. I don’t think of myself as “damaged” but I do seem to hurt the wrong people. It’s never on purpose, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s happening. It is almost like some sick test I’m putting them through. Like if they can handle me being like this and pushing them away and still come back to me, then they must be worth it. Is that normal? Is it fair? I’m confused.
- N
This is a tricky thing because of how we’re brought up and the experiences we have. This reminds me of – and touches on some of the same ideas as - the very first article on this site. We all know that we want someone great and special, but do we know what to do with them once we get them? I don’t remember ever being taught how, once we find what we’re looking for, to continually nourish that relationship and make it thrive. A lot of the time it’s so much to deal with that it’s frightening on some subconscious level and we start to retreat, seemingly illogically.
The first step in fixing this sort of issue is recognizing what the problem is, which it seems like you’ve done. Take a night or two just for yourself and do some thinking about this. Go to your favorite spot, leaving your phone, work, and everything else on your mind somewhere else. Think about why you do what you do and what steps you can take in the future to avoid this sort of situation. Take some time to get to know yourself. That idea sounds nearly insulting because we all like to think we know ourselves inside and out, but if you face facts, that’s not the case. Any time you can increase how self-aware you are and why you do what you do, the better.
As for the “one in particular” guy, why don’t you tell him what you’ve said here? If he had feelings for you, he’ll appreciate that kind of vulnerable honesty and respect you for it, no matter the outcome.
- NK
And it's so easy to be social
It's so easy to be cool
It's easy to be hungry
When you ain't got shit to lose
Guns N Roses - "Coma"
I guess I don’t really have a question, but I did want to let you know that I figured it all out and wanted to pass this onto your readers. I used to be the guy who was all intimidated and made nervous by women and could only approach them after I had enough drinks to have “liquid courage.” You know how they say if you’re afraid of public speaking to think of everyone in the audience naked so you won’t feel nervous anymore? Well, it’s like that. I just walk into a room pretending that every girl wants me and every guy wants to be me. I basically pretend I’m a celebrity and these poor commoners are lucky to even see me. Whether it’s true or not isn’t my concern. I would muuuuuuuuuuch rather feel a little cocky than a lot intimidated. It’s given me the confidence I’ve been missing for years! I’ve gotten more dates in the past 3 months than I’ve gotten in my whole life.
- Jazzy Jim in Virginia
In numerous types of tests, you hear the term “false positive.” What I’d call your method is a “positive false.” It’s not real, but it gives you the positive results you desire.
I’m glad you found something that works for you. I somewhat agree with this tactic and while my personal method isn’t quite as brazen, our goal is the same. We both want to gain control of our environment and not let others dictate how we feel about ourselves or the situation.
I use an “And?” technique. For example, when I see a girl who, when I was younger, would have made my palms sweat, I think to myself, “Yeah, she’s pretty. And?” What else is there? What else does she have going on? Pretty? So what? That’s just one thing and I need way more than just one thing. Her being attractive isn’t enough to satisfy what I need, let alone intimidate me.
It’s my belief that you have to have nearly an apathetic attitude to have completely objective judgment on how you should feel and what you should do in a situation. Once nerves, intimidation, awkwardness, etc. get involved, it’s very difficult to act how you want to act, do what you want to do, and get what you want to get. If you can walk up to the most attractive person you’ve ever met, introduce yourself, then walk away and truly not care, then you indeed will have the upper hand in any decision you decide to pursue.
Whatever your method might be, congratulations.
- NK
