I have a problem. There is this girl (I’ll call her Amber) and I’ve gotten myself into a bad situation. She won’t let me break it off with her. She just keeps stopping by, calling, etc. I played somewhat hard to get with Amber in the beginning but now that we’re dating I definitely want out. I’ve tried telling her flat out that I’m not into her, told her I’m not attracted to her, told her to leave me alone, etc. It’s not all crazy shit where I need to call the cops on her or anything yet but I do want to get rid of her. What’s a good way to do that?
- Derrick, Park City, UT
If you frequent this site, you know that we don’t generally promote dishonesty or tricks, but I’ve been in your situation before and can empathize. I’ll tell you what two things I’ve found to work
Give her what she wants times a hundred. Be as bizarre as you can be.
When I’ve run into a situation with a female I couldn’t get rid of, I’ve had to pull out all the stops. I got to the point where I didn’t care what they thought of me anyway. I just wanted them to go the hell away, so why not seem obsessive and nuts? The trick is that when they won’t let you leave them, you have to make them leave you.
I’ve called girls literally 20 times a day “just to say hi.” I’ve told girls that I’ve recently decided I was gay just so they’d stop calling me. Hell, I’ve told girls they’ve made me gay! I’ve told short girls I only date tall girls and tall girls I only date short girls. I’ve told girls that I drove to their house the night before and just stared at their window, wondering what they were doing in there. It was all lies and overdoing it, but whatever. It worked.
"I know for a fact this guy
wrote 'Grapes of Wrath' in 1975."I remember one particular girl who was 100% about finding herself a husband. Immediately. She took a liking to me and I couldn’t get rid of her, so I had to take action. We met for dinner where I announced that I would eat the entire meal with a knife and a knife only. As I brought up an extremely deep, convincing argument how “The People’s Court” was the best show ever on television and how Judge Wapner was the head of an underground Mason’s association, I could feel her starting to distance herself. Once I was trying to balance salad on my knife (which I held intertwined with my fingers), she was starting to push her chair back. Then she did something to counteract my ridiculous behavior: she ordered wine! Oh no! Now she was extremely tolerant of anything I did! I broke out the big guns. I told her I only dated celebrities and heiresses. No effect. I told her that I was in line to inherit a lot of money if only I could find a lawyer to battle the Mormon Church because they were capitalizing on the fact that my great, great grandfather invented vodka. No effect. I told her I thought marriage was an archaic idea and no woman could ever satisfy me long enough for something like that. No effect! I told her I thought God was about as reasonable of an idea as astrology, tarot cards, and Deep South Voodoo. No effect! I told her that I suspected Elvis, John Lennon, JFK, MLK Jr., and Jimi Hendrix were all shot by the same man. Never mind the fact that Elvis and Hendrix weren’t even assassinated – I still got no result. Finally, I told her that I didn’t really like dogs. I said that pets, especially those that ate their own shit, were for the old and lonely. 
"I also climb rocks. Yes, in the nude."Ding ding ding! Winner, winner, chicken dinner! She never called again.
Everyone likes attention, but nobody likes being smothered. Everybody likes feeling special, but nobody likes when someone likes them too much, too soon. Everybody appreciates when someone has a passion about something, but it’s creepy when someone is obsessed with something. Get the idea?
You might think this is a risky strategy, and you’re right. It may backfire and she might eat every bit of it up and now you’re in 100 times the amount of trouble and drama you were in before. But hey, you’ve already tried telling her the truth so the next step is a restraining order anyway, so maybe you’re doing her a favor. Desperate times, my friend.
- GR
This chick I’m banging can’t get it through her head that I’m the kind of guy that likes it when his woman wears fishnets and high heels to bed. She’s going to have to learn soon or else I’m kicking it to the curb. Is it just American girls? I’m thinking I should go Euro.
- Travis, Los Angeles
Sometimes I really love when people write in with these kinds of questions. It takes all kinds.
It sounds like ol’ Travis here has been watching a little bit too much porn and thinking it is real life. Travis, they sell these films because they’re a bit of a fantasy, not an accurate slice of American life. You might ask your girlfriend to do that sort of thing occasionally, but to expect it every time is both selfish and unreasonable, whether you go Euro or even Antartican. I’ll make a list in honor of your ignorance.
L.A. Travis’ Top 22 Porn-Inspired Sex Facts
Missing in actionThe Missionary position does not exist.- Indian and Asian men are only fabled, much like the Sasquatch
- Anal sex is always easy, neat, and clean. In fact, women want it almost every time, especially after working out.
- Gag reflex? What’s that?
- Cum tastes like cheesecake and Creamsicles.
- Female cops are not only hot, but would rather fuck you than give you a ticket, you poor speeder, you. Male cops would rather get a blow job than reach their quota.
- All your favorite films have pornographic equivalents. The unique storytelling and tremendous imagination of Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction barely misses a beat once it’s redone as Pulp Friction. The same goes for Saving Ryan’s Privates, Caddy Shackers, and Meet the Fuckers.
- Penises come in nothing under six inches and boobs start at C cups and work upward from there.
- Cultures and races are interchangeable. A single woman can star in a Hot Latina Teenagers, Hot Black Teenagers, and Hot Asian Teenagers videos.
- Nurses don’t wear scrubs. They wear tiny miniskirts with things hanging out left, right, up, and down.
- Pubic hair? What’s that?
- Blondes? Whores. Brunettes? Whores. Redheads? Don’t even ask.
- Pulling out is something men do every time. Every time, I say!
- Anything a woman can physically lift off the ground, she would be willing to put inside of herself.
- Women orgasm on command if you put “baby” on the end of your sentence.
- Who needs condoms when you have friends like these?
- Women aren’t bi-curious. They are bi-insistent.
- Her period? What’s that?
- SAT Prep Courses are for suckers, man! Getting a good grade is only a matter of asking for “extra credit.”
Nothing is what it seemsEverything can be turned into an erotic prop. Who puts a studded cock ring on a leash and tells someone they’re walking a dog?- Women don’t really expect to find a penis inside a man’s pants when they unzip it. Hence the look of pleasant surprise on their face.
- If 1 penis is good, 2 is better. If 2 is good, 3 is just what the doctor ordered. 4 gets you a tax break because you, lady, are impressive.
I probably could give you a top 23, but what do you expect for these prices?
- GR
I’ve been interested in a friend of a friend for a while but I heard something that bothers me. One day he was at the gym with our mutual friend and my friend just happened to see the package of the guy I was interested in. He doesn’t know I have a crush on him so he kind of nonchalantly mentioned that our friend isn’t very well endowed. Maybe it shouldn’t bother me but it kind of does. Am I just being shallow?
- Shallow in Scranton
Ok let me get this straight, SIS. Let’s call you “Z.” You, Z, are friends with Y and X and also happened to be physically/romantically interested in X. Y was at the gym with X, saw X’s package, and told you it was unimpressive. He was only X and you wanted him to be XXX? Am I getting this right?
Keep in mind there are those that show, and those that grow.
Let me tell you the story of this guy I went to high school with. Big Dave. Big Dave was a junior when I was a freshman. He was the only guy in the locker room that almost refused to wear a towel, and with good reason. 
Big Dave beforeHis dick was so big just walking around that you began to wonder if it would be problematic in his life. You know – he had to mark out letters in the “Fruit of the Loom” label in his underwear and change it to “Foot of the Doom.” He might have to use old 1980’s tube socks to keep warm in the winter. He might watch Boogie Nights and think he could have been somebody special.
I remember the day we heard that this girl had hooked up with Dave for a little fooling around. Of course, the question on everybody’s mind was about his mega-cock! Oh, the humanity! How could one woman handle the beast that she had unknowingly unleashed on the world?
Big Dave after
She explained, “You know, when I first pulled it out, I said, ‘Oh my god’ but when he got hard, it kind of just stood to attention. It didn’t get much bigger. It’s not even as big as my ex-boyfriend’s.” So come to find out, Big Dave was just Big-While-Limp Dave. Guys from locker to locker rejoiced. We gave each other high fives and high five-and-a-half-to-sixes.
So isn’t it crazy how guys are so insecure that they might not have the biggest dick in the gym and may be secretly scanning the competition to see how they compare? The only real issue is what it’s like when it’s erect, after all, so what does it matter if he didn’t stack up with the quick visual test your mutual friend sneakily gave him?
If you’re interested in the guy, give him and his dick a chance. You never know – it just might grow on you.
- GR
