I have a fantasy where I’m forced to have sex against my will. It’s bothered me for a long time but I did read that it’s a common fantasy for women to have. Why is that? Could it be that we were sexually abused when we were younger and this is our body’s way of remembering and making us deal with it?
- Kathy T., VT
That’s probably not the case. This “safe rape” is indeed quite a common female fantasy, but it’s always hard for me to call it “rape” of any kind because the situations are incredibly different. Passionate and forceful sex that is ultimately about being in control and feeling pleasure is a far cry from a violent and painful sex that has nothing to do with being in control or feeling pleasure.
There is something enjoyable about giving up responsibility and control as someone you are into overpowers you and “forces” you to submit. You can give in to the idea and all hang-ups and “good girls don’t…” feelings are vanquished.
It’s also common for the opposite fantasy to be reported: you force him to have sex with you. This might be appealing because in real life, many women still feel that men hold a lot of social power.
Either way, it’s perfectly fine and normal to have this fantasy, but I suggest that you’re careful going through with it if you decide to do so. Many men would have no problem in playing this out, but they may have a problem deciding if you mean it if you’re telling them to stop for whatever reason.
- XK
I’m a faker. I consistently fake orgasms, but here is the catch: they’re with my *girlfriend* which makes it worse. After all, women are supposedly better at making other women orgasm. I’ve decided to be honest with my girlfriend and tell her because I am sick and tired of faking them. I want the real thing! I have had them in the past but she just hasn’t done it for me yet. Any advice on how I can fix this sticky situation?
- Jackie, Valdosta, CA
Though it seems that you get it now, I can’t stress enough what a mistake this is.
There are countless women out there who have faked
If A+B+C = O one time, why would your partner ever want to change an equation they think is a winner? If you have set it up to where the equation is actually A+B+C = Fake O, then you’re setting yourself up for the same routine because your partner thinks something is happening that is not.
I can understand the difficulty in telling them, but you’ve created this problem and it’s your responsibility to undo it. So kudos to you in the sense that you’ve finally decided to <ahem> come clean.
Get the real thingIf your partner isn’t doing it for you, it’s the best to tell them as soon as possible. It will likely get harder and harder and be more and more upsetting to them the more time goes by.
It’s probably the case that you didn’t want to make your partner feel sexually inadequate, so the two worst times to tell them are during an emotionally charged scene and during sex. Those are two very vulnerable times where we’re not really using the logical, understanding parts of our brains.
Maybe schedule a dinner or some activity the two of you enjoy and explain to them whatever your situation is. Did you just like her so much that you wanted to make her feel like a sexual goddess right away? Was she just trying so hard that you didn’t want to let her down? Are you more of a clitoral fan even though she’s a master of finger penetration? Everyone has their reason, but explain it in a way that isn’t menacing or attacking what might be one of the central themes of their sexuality.
You’re probably in a good situation because you know you’ve been capable of orgasming with other partners. This is just going to be a matter of letting your current partner know what your equation is.
- XK
I feel like this guy I’m having sex with works for Victoria’s Secret and gets a commission for every pair of my underwear he rips off and ruins. I buy a bra, he tears it off. I buy garter belts, he tears them off. I buy teddies, he tears them off. How can I explain to him that sometimes I like to wear these sexy things during sex and that he doesn’t have to ruin every damn thing I buy?
- Jodie M., LA
I can’t help you with your lingerie bill, but maybe if you explain to your boyfriend how erotic being partially clothed can be, that will do the trick. Being nearly nude is like a game of erotic peek-a-boo. It keeps your partner wondering exactly what’s going on under there and when it might be finally revealed to them. He may have seen your breasts hundreds of times, but that doesn’t mean that something can’t be done to make him feel a strong desire to see them again.
Similarly, undressing is part of getting comfortable with each other and feeling relaxed with them in that situation. 
Keep it on and keep this downWhat you’re wearing under your clothes can be a real turn on for everyone involved. Just how far can you slowly peel those clothes off each other before it doesn’t make any more difference and you just have to have each other?
Of course, this all depends on the situation and there are times where the feverish passion and clothes just seem to get in the way. Just for the sake of your finances, it may be wise to set your guy up on a one-item-ruined-per-year limit, though. Or maybe start a little jar on top of the refrigerator labeled “Passion Fund.”
- XK
