Turning back the pages to the times I love best
I wonder if she’ll ever do the same
Now the thing that I call living is just being satisfied
With knowing I got no one left to blame
Gordon Lightfoot - "Carefree Highway"
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years and I’m not sure how much longer it will last. You see, I’ve been noticing a lot of other guys lately and I can’t help but wonder how a relationship with them would be. I always imagine that they won’t be as brash or frustrating as my current partner can be. For example, there is a guy at the Starbucks that I’m very attracted to who seems very funny too. I always feel guilty when I see my boyfriend knowing that I am tempted by this other guy. How can I be in a relationship where I’m always feeling guilty about things like that?
Temptation is part of every relationship. Just because we enter into a relationship of some kind doesn’t mean that everyone in the world automatically becomes less interesting and attractive. But if you think that you’re going to break up with your boyfriend and automatically fall into the arms of someone better, you’re probably incorrect. Sure, the guy at the coffee counter might have that great smile and quick wit, but how do you know that you won’t discover that he’s insecure or insanely jealous? How do you know that he can’t be just as brash and frustrating as your boyfriend? He, like everyone else in the world, is just as much of a package deal as your current partner is – 
Sure, but he might snorethere are bad things that come with the good things. One mistake that people often make is comparing the middle of a relationship to the beginning of a relationship.
If you’re unhappy, move on. I’m all for that. However, if you only want to break up with your partner because you feel guilt for being attracted to something about someone else, don’t do it. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. But don’t feel too badly unless you just mowed your neighbor’s yard.
- NK
Eight years in
At first it feels like you’re gonna die
But you get used to anything
Sooner or later it just becomes your life
Bruce Springsteen - "Straight Time"
I have been dating an older man off and on for almost two years now. He can be so wonderful and when we get along, we get along better than I ever have with anyone. But when things are bad, they’re as bad as anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m only average looking and haven’t had great luck getting guys and I think he uses that to his advantage since he’s gorgeous and has his choice of men. He is HIV positive and refuses to wear a condom with me and tells me that his viral count is too low to infect me. Stupid me listened to him many times but luckily for me, I haven’t contracted HIV. However, I have had Chlamydia twice, anal warts, and once ocular gonorrhea. He insists that he’s not sleeping with anyone else but I know that I’m not sleeping with anyone and I might not be the smartest guy ever, but I know that you don’t just get STDs out of the blue.
He recently kicked me out of his house, which was basically my house too. I want him back. But how do you tame someone like that? I need advice on how to beat him at his own game. I want him to come crawling back to me.
- Brandon, CA
I can’t explain how you should get back together with him, since you should not. This guy has treated you like a doormat and put you at risk for many dangerous infections, one of which is life-threatening. I almost thought your submittal was a joke, Brandon!
You need to get 3 things right now. Get:
Some self-esteem
Your personal things
The hell out of there
- NK
And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
The Decemberists - "the Engine Driver"
My girlfriend and I broke up 3 months ago since I suspected she was a bit too close with other men. She said she was not, but my suspicions were strong. I’ve been having a hard time with it but am not quite at the point where I think I need to talk about it with a professional. I’ve tried hanging out with friends and working a lot more but I can’t get her totally off my mind. Are there any tricks I might try?
- Jack B., OH
I think it’d be a great idea that you journal your feelings. There’s something very therapeutic and often times revealing when you write down how you feel. It doesn’t have to be organized, it doesn’t have to be daily, and it doesn’t even have to make a lot of sense to anyone. Sometimes just writing it down in front of you clears up so much.
You can also use it to set objectives and goals, which is a great way to identify stumbling blocks and their solutions. You don’t even need to be creative; you only need to put words to paper. If you ever do decide to seek help from a professional, you can likely use the journals during your sessions, especially if it’s difficult for you to put difficult memories, feelings, or emotions to words.
Sometimes looking back at your writings years later brings a certain sense of pride when you realize how far you’ve come and how you managed to make it through such a difficult time. Many people even burn their writings, years later, in effigy. The symbolic burning razes that negative experience and people may feel liberated and totally free to move forward.
Try it out. See how it works for you.
A concern I have here is that you aren’t together because of something you only suspected. She said it wasn’t true and you only had the inkling? That doesn’t sound like a great reason to end a relationship with someone you care about.
I know how it goes. You think something, build it up in your head, feel a great deal of emotion about it, and maybe say something you shouldn’t say and then have too much pride to take it back, whether it’s real or not.
Don’t act upon something you think is happening. Only act on what you know is happening. There are thousands of things that could be happening but there is only one that actually is. If you care for her, isn’t it your responsibility to uncover that truth?
- NK
