Slow down, you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart
Tell me, why are you still so afraid
Billy Joel - "Vienna"
I've been dating a guy for about 4 months now and I feel like we're drifting apart. He's a great complement for me in many ways but he doesn't like to talk as much about our relationship as I do. I enjoy knowing his plans for our future, knowing how he feels about me frequently, if he sees us having children someday and even what their names would be. He's asked me “Do we have to talk about our relationship all of the time?” I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong by asking him how he feels. What should I do? Wait for him to open up more or find a different guy who is naturally more open?
I think you should stay with him, but stop worrying about him not talking as much as you'd like him to.
A lot of men don't want to constantly talk about everything hour after hour. Many men respect, if not flat out prefer, women who communicate succinctly because it's how we generally communicate with each other. That's not saying that you have to abandon your womanly ways, but it is a compromise of sorts and something you may want to keep in mind.
But more to the point, let me explain this way how what you're doing may be a problem for you:
I met a woman a few years ago and I felt like many of us do when we meet someone new. I was excited when she'd call or meet me for a date, I was interested in what made her work, I loved hearing about her background and upbringing, and I couldn't wait for more of it all.
However, she acted very similar to what you're describing. She didn't even bother playing “20 Questions” with me. She went straight to a game of “20,000 Questions.” She also wanted to frequently talk about our relationship, where it was headed, how it compared to my past relationships, how often I thought about her, how I processed every disagreement, if I ever dreamed of her, and so on. All the charm of the unknown quickly evaporated. All the mystery of who she was and who we were disappeared because we talked about it not ad nauseum, but definitely ad waytoomuch.
I didn't mind opening up. I figure we owe that to each other. But the fact that we talked about every aspect of our relationship “solved” all the mysteries that excite us as they unfold naturally.
Don't flip to the back of the book and try to read the ending first. Enjoy the journey. Be secure and observant. You don't need play-by-play updates from your boyfriend about the relationship. The reason you don't? Because you're participating in it with him.
- NK
And there was a time my eart was aching
Yes, there was the day I swore it was breaking
Under a lucky star our love was born brand new
Maria Taylor - "Speak Easy"
I understand that we all have arguments but my boyfriend does something that I don't quite get. Whenever we argue and then work it out, he jokes about the situation later even if I was really upset. For example, the other night I was late for a picnic he had planned for us. It was totally my fault and I eventually admitted that in our argument. We were 100% fine after that. Once he opened up the picnic basket, he pulled out some grapes that were now warm and smiled and said, “I'm surprised these aren't raisins by now!” I thought it was really rude of him but he does things like that all the time! Is that a guy thing? I've talked to my friends about it and their boyfriends don't do it.
- S.A., California
Maybe it is a guy thing because I think that's rather smart of him.
Actually, many people do things like you are describing to me here. Say you have an argument over an issue. Tensions are high and it's not only a big deal to the two of you, but it's probably feeling like an even bigger deal than it would be if you just heard that someone else had the same issue. You go back and forth trying to express to each other basically, “It's important to me because of this” and, “Well, it's important to me because of this.” Normally, the dust settles and cooler heads prevail.
Joking about it shows you that he has his emotions about the issue under control and feels that it's no longer a big deal to him.
Relax. If you've settled your issue, it's no longer a big deal to you either. Or is it?
- NK
So don't even start with that "Wanna be your father" shit
Don't even bother with your dollars, I don't need it
I'll bury moms like you left me - all alone, G
Now that I finally found you, stay the fuck away from me
2Pac - "Papaz Song"
I have a big problem. It's my father. It's a really long story but basically he left my mom while she was pregnant with me to keep doing drugs and womanizing anyone he could get his hands on. They got back together a number of years later and that's when the abuse started. I am not one of those people who is just complaining about getting spanked as a kid. I really got beat up. He put my mom in the hospital more than once, mentally and physically abused me. He told me how I'd never be as great as him, never amount to anything, and was a failure at nearly everything I tried. He beat me with boards and chains, told me he enjoyed it, and even threw me out a window once or twice. Have you ever tried to explain to a teacher or your friends how you accidentally fell through a window…TWICE? It's never believable. I always felt like he hated me or was jealous of the attention my mom gave me, but of course I thought that a kid needs their dad and so I tried to be close with him. I tried to reach out to him over those years and he refused. He eventually left my mom and me and I thought she would die of a broken heart. I tried to be the man around the house but I didn't even really know how a man around the house was supposed to act since I'd never seen it. That was over 25 years ago now, but trust me when I tell you that the scars remain.
I have no idea how he found me, but recently he wrote me a letter. He told me that I would never understand why he did what he did but that he was sorry and wants to be in my life. His letter showed a lot of signs of loneliness and I actually felt bad for him.
So why am I writing you? It's because I met the most incredible woman I've ever known. I never believed in soul mates before I met her, but I definitely do now. She's everything I ever wanted and I can't wait for the day until she's my wife. She has absolutely been my support system over these last few years and helped me heal in so many ways that I'll probably never be able to repay her. I don't deserve someone like her.
With my dad wanting back in my life, I feel overwhelmed. Relationships this deep take up so much energy that I know I can't do both. She's my whole life, but he is my father and I'll never have another one. What should I do? How can I break it to her that I need to end our relationship to focus on my relationship with my father so I might forgive him? How can I tell him that it's too late for all of that with him now? I'm so confused.
- From Happy to Unhappy
I'm sure this is a difficult choice for you and I think that even if you're satisfied with any answer you may receive here, you may want to consider counseling if you haven't already.
That being said, the first thing you should know (and likely something your wonderful partner has let you know) is that a history of childhood abuse is not a life sentence of unhappiness or feeling unfulfilled.
I understand your need to work things out with your father and how you can't give yourself to both situations simultaneously. Essentially what you are doing is trying to see which carries more weight and should be important to you to – on one side of the balance you have your need to try to give your father another chance and see if you finally feel the happiness you craved over those years. On the other side of the balance you have the need to see how your storybook romance develops with your partner.
But to put it in different terms, you're trying to decide which is a better decision: a woman who you feel is your soul mate and who sounds like what billions of people hope to find in a relationship vs. a man who was so venomous and deliberately destructive to you that you still feel the pain. It doesn't sound like a difficult decision when you put it in those terms.
I know it's probably not that easy. Most of us have a need to put up with and forgive nearly any behavior from our relatives “just because they're family.”
I don't buy that. There is a huge difference between someone being related to you and someone being part of your family. Don't get them confused.
“Being family” is largely a behavior, not a matter of genetics. Ask anyone who was adopted who their family is. Is it the ones they share genes with or was it the ones they shared love with? The answer is obvious. This man was never your family; he just happens to have donated half of your genetic package, which was not something you could choose nor anything you can change now.
We don't surround ourselves with poisonous people because we realize they're not good for us. I would venture to say that you don't have any friends that are abusive, callous, and/or malicious. Why? It's because nobody likes those kinds of people and we're smart enough not to put ourselves in that situation and “reward” their behavior by continuing to be a part of their lives. So you don't owe it to your father to try to work it out with him just for the sake of doing what you might think is the right thing or what you saw in a movie once.
Now let's talk about forgiveness. Contrary to popular opinion, forgiveness is not necessary to move on, feel better about yourself as a person, or transform your life. I know this is at odds with not only numerous helping professionals, but also many philosophical, spiritual, and especially religious beliefs. However, I disagree with the idea that forgiveness is the first (or only) step needed to heal.
Forgiveness is a wonderful and powerful act in many situations, but not all. I can't think of a reason to blindly and automatically absolve someone for things that are completely their responsibility. Your father actually told you that he enjoyed abusing you; it was certainly no anomaly.
It's not only ok to be angry, but necessary in this kind of situation. You have every right to be upset about this. When people give that cliché “Get in touch with your feelings” what they mean is that you have to be honest with yourself and what your feelings are so you can deal with them. After all, if you don't know what you're feeling, how are you supposed to do anything at all? It's like trying to get directions when you don't know where you are or name your favorite wine when you've never tasted a drop.
If you just metaphorically wave a hand at the whole situation simply in order to forgive, all you are doing is denying to yourself that your feelings exist and that you need to deal with them: “I forgave you so now it never happened and I don't have to worry about it anymore.” It doesn't work that way.
Don't think that you'll live the rest of your life with bitterness and hate if you don't rush to your father and forgive him. I assure you that mental and emotional harmony comes when you release yourself from the need to “make things right”, work through your feelings, and put responsibility where it belongs: on his shoulders.
This is so importantSo, for me, your choice is clear. Continue to enjoy and grow in your current relationship. She sounds like a great woman. And to correct your statement, you do deserve her. You just don't feel that way because you were a victim of mental abuse and belittlement for so many years that you can't see it. Luckily for you, she does see it.
If you feel so strongly about her and she feels just as strongly about you, promise me that you'll take her hand, run towards your future, and don't look back.
- NK
