I'm so sick of the pressure from society to be thin. I flip through magazines and it makes me sick to see all the bony women in them. It makes me even sicker to think that's what society expects me to look like. Your site is advancing that idea as well. I don't see a lot of balance of heavier women in your pictures or covers. I thought you were supposed to be about positive sexuality. Wouldn't that include being equal to those that aren't heroin-thin?
- Kathryn, Houston, TX
First things first. As for the pictures we decide to go with, I think you need to look at more of the site. We use all kinds of pictures – thick, thin, young, old, black, white, gay, straight, pink vibrators, and blue vibrators. I think you may be incorrect there. But if you can send us a link to some site that allows usage of non-nude, yet erotic, pictures of those that aren't “heroin thin” we'll obviously take a look and see what we can do.
Anyway, I understand what you're saying, but this is a slippery slope. I agree that you don't need to starve yourself to fit into a size 0 and have collarbones as pronounced as your knuckles. But if you make people think that it doesn't matter at all how heavy they are, isn't that just as misleading?
Forget just the biological workings of attraction for just a moment. You can't have someone sitting at a buffet 5 times a week, eating 3 day's worth of calories in one sitting because they want to rebel against some societal pressure of being thin. That's a problem. But not because being a specific weight, being a specific dress size, and having a certain waistline matters.
It's because being healthy does matter.
Being healthy isn't constrained to a certain number on a scale. Being healthy isn't only available to those who hit the Pick 6 in the genetic lottery. Being healthy is something that is seen as almost universally obvious and important, except to the greediest, most gluttonous nation in the world – ours.
We've become a collection of people who only blame and deny. How many people have you heard say that they are simply “big-boned” when it's obvious that's not the issue? I'm not saying there are not people out there who are simply bigger and can't fit into a tiny little number. There certainly are – stand someone from Thailand next to a Samoan to see what I mean. But there aren't as many as they think there are. You certainly never hear anyone take responsibility and say, “I look like this because I eat like shit and have no desire to stop, let alone do anything about it.”
The fact is, it's rewarding to have self-discipline and to reap the bounty of your efforts. I have an aunt who lost 10 pounds one summer. She was extremely happy, not because she felt like she was closer to being what Cosmo told her she should be, but because it was hard to do…but she did it anyway. She was proud of herself that she could stop eating everything offered to her and get up in the mornings and walk a few miles.
So I'm somewhat with you here. It doesn't matter to me and shouldn't matter to anyone else what size you are, as long as you're healthy.
Also, I'd like to take this time to give a big thumbs-down to Tyra Banks for propagating this whole “Any body type is beautiful and we don't need to be a slave to what these magazines tell us we should look like” idea. You're only partially correct, Tyra, but it's a little hypocritical now. I would have respected it a lot more if it was 10 years ago when you were at the forefront of the whole “You need to look tiny with huge tits to be sexy” movement. Now that it's not as easy to be thin as it once was, it's a bit too convenient to wave your let's-talk-about-me hand at the industry and dismiss it. That's biting the hand that feeds you, but hey – at least it's calorie free.
- GR
I have a boyfriend who I really like. He's been telling me about his past relationships and they're all with Asian women. I'm not Asian. It sounds to me like he has an Asian fetish but is afraid to tell me. Should I kick him to the curb?
- Sara, London
Yes you should, but it's for his sake, not yours.
What kind of question is that? You want to unsuspectingly dump him because you believe that he likes Asians even though he's dating you? How would you feel if he dumped you because he merely suspects you feel a certain way?
Have you tried, oh, I don't know…talking to him? That is a novel idea.
Let's get something clear about the word “fetish” while we're at it. That term has been used more and more loosely and now I hear people saying things like your, “He's got a fetish for Asian girls.” A fetish is an inanimate object required for some level of sexual fantasy or excitement, maybe even necessary to orgasm. If a guy dates primarily a certain race, that's called a “preference” and not a “fetish.”
You can have a fetish for the smell of hazelnut coffee, a silk handkerchief, or even a yellow rain slicker outfit complete with galoshes, but you can't have a fetish for a race, culture, religion, or even a body part. That's right – a ‘foot fetish” is technically a misnomer too. The correct term would be “foot partialism.” That is the term we use when it's a body part that gets you riled up.
And do you want to hear something crazy? Partialism is in the DSM-IV – psychology's book of mental disorders. Here are the official criteria to determine if you have a psychological issue, according to the book:
”The diagnostic criteria of the DSM-IV-TR are that the individual has experienced intense sexual urges, arousal or behavior involving specific body parts for at least six months.
Manifestation: Like most paraphilias, this particular fetish surfaces in early adolescence and will continue for most of the individual's active sex life. Individuals with partialistic fetishes use fantasies or touching of actual body parts for sexual arousal. 
Psychiatric help neededCommon fetish parts are breasts, legs, feet, hair (particularly red), ears, and toes. Less common fetishes include amputees and obese persons.”
Read that again, you pervert. Holy shit, right? The amputee blurb is especially confusing since amputees are actually missing a body part. Regardless, it sounds to me that if you use an attraction to body parts for sexual arousal, you're paraphilic. Uh oh! If you like breasts for longer than 6 months, you're nuts. Hell, if you like nuts for longer than 6 months, you're nuts.
Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to satisfy my sick, deranged, yet immensely satisfying vagina partialism.
- GR
Help me settle an argument with by friend. We're both good with the ladies but I insist that you should call a girl you meet at the club 3 days later. He says 5. For me, that's too long to wait to try to get the hook up. If I'm hitting on it, I obviously want to hit it, so sooner is better. My friend met this hot bartender and is going to wait maybe 7 days to give her a call. I told her I'd call her sooner than that and he says I'm like Mikey in the movie Swingers for calling women 3 days later. What do you think?
- Demetri, UNC
The ladies? What is this, Soul Train? Let me settle your argument, Don Cornelius.
After you've lucked out and a woman has had enough to drink where she forgets that she promised never to give her phone number to guys like you and your friend, you definitely don't want to blow your chance by calling her at the wrong time. I'm sure you'll be blowing your chance with something else, but here's the scoop anyway.
Your friend is going to lose out on the bartender because after 7 days, it's doubtful that she's even going to remember he exists. This is a woman who meets more people every weekend than you even know. If she's attractive, and I'll assume she is, you and your friend aren't the Lewis and Clark of showing interest in her.
But the both of you are wrong.
You're more concerned with setting up rules for some stupid game than showing interest in a woman. It's probably because you don't appear to want anything than hooking up with them, but you're ignorant to the “real” rules here.
Sure, you don't want to call someone 15 minutes after you get their number, sure. Nobody likes to feel like they just gave their number to some lonely, needy person and therefore just accidentally invited them into their life.
When you're interested, call. If you were charming, fun, nice, etc., with a woman then she's not going to shit herself in despair because you called her after two days instead of three or one day instead of two.
Here's a conversation you won't hear.
“I met this guy the other night at the bar. He was cute, charismatic, interesting, and enthralling, but here's the kicker that makes this whole situation bad: he called me the next evening. Oh, despair! Things were so perfect until he called me so soon!”
It has a lot more to do with how you act and what you say when you meet a woman than how many days later you call her. If you're doing it right in the first place, she's hoping her phone rings and it's you.
Amateurs.
- GR
