When it comes to sex, it's difficult for me to live up to the pressures of being a black male. I was brought up in a modest household with parents who both worked very hard and had strong morals and they taught me those same values. There seems to be some sort of general understanding out there that my black brothers and I are all about sexual conquests. Contrary to conventional thinking, I don't want to have sex with every white woman I see and I damn sure don't want to be the “mysterious negro” that they just have to find out what it's like to have sex with. Is this something we can overcome?
- CBT, Texas
As with any race issue and stereotypes, there are people on both sides that enforce those stereotypes and those that fly in the face of them. But if you're being true to yourself and know what you want and don't want, then I don't know that the problem lies in your hands.
The problem as I see it is with the ignorance, fear, and historical fascination of black sexuality. There are countless years saturated with whites being enthralled with black dicks, being worried that blacks are taking all the white women, and so forth. That's not your problem.
It sounds to me like you're on the right track. You don't want to objectify and you don't want to be objectified. You have tact, manners, and respect. It doesn't get much better than that. Just keep being yourself and setting a good example for those around you.
- XK
What are the chances that Gardasil will become a mandatory vaccination? I'm not sure I want my 13 year old daughter to get a series of shots for HPV, which is something that's nearly 100% avoidable without having to get a vaccine with risky side effects. I really don't want her to become sexually active at such a young age and this will give kids even more of a green light.
- Concerned in Montgomery, AL
For those that don't know, here's a little background: Gardasil is the recently-approved, 3-part vaccine for Human Papillomavirus (HPV). As you may know, HPV is the virus that causes genital warts, is linked to cervical cancer, and is the most common STI in the United States at present time. There are over 100 different strains of HPV, but not all have ties to cervical cancer. In fact, most infections are temporary and asymptomatic. As far as Gardasil is concerned, it deals with 4 common strains: #16 and #18, which account for about 70% of all cervical cancers, and #6 and #11, which account for approximately 90% of genital warts. It's recommended by the FDA as a vaccination for females ages 9-26.
It's a bit early to tell what the likelihood is for it to become mandatory. Merck would obviously love this since they have lost a substantial amount of money with Vioxx having troubles and other problems the company has recently endured. I understand that and don't have a problem with it as long as they're truthful and nobody is harmed or exploited. Perhaps that's unrealistic. They're a company and companies exist, largely, to make money.
The one thing I do have a problem with is that they are marketing Gardasil as a vaccine against cancer, not a vaccine against a virus. Why? Because marketing it as a cancer vaccine seems miraculous! Merck stops cancer itself! Cancer is terrible and you don't want cancer, right? Then the vaccine is for you! The trouble is, Merck, there's a difference between vaccinating against the common types of HPV that can lead to cervical cancer and preventing cervical cancer. This vaccination does the former, not the latter.
With that said, should Gardasil be a mandatory vaccination? Mandatory? That's hard to say. Here is the recommendation for those women that do not receive the vaccine: get pap smears on a regular basis. Here is the recommendation for those that do receive the vaccination: get pap smears on a regular basis. It's the failure to screen for cervical cancer that's attributable to the large majority of invasive cervical cancers. So, ultimately, the vaccine does not relieve any responsibility a woman has to be frequently screened for cervical abnormalities. It simply says, “Just in case these 4 potentially dangerous things happen to you, you will be protected from them, but you won't be invincible.” If anything, if you truly want to protect women from dangers, regular pap smears are what should be mandatory. The vaccine is just a safety net. Nothing more.
There are a couple of concepts in your question that I want to make clear before I wrap this up. First, with any vaccine or medicine, there is a risk. That's just a fact. It's true that there have been no long-term studies done with Gardasil, but that's the situation with any new product. The flu shot, MMR vaccination, and even aspirin have risks. Secondly, when a female receives a vaccination and the physician explains to all involved, “This does not protect against all STIs, only protects you from the majority of the types of HPV, and condom use and pap smears are still something you should do as frequently as if you never had this vaccination,” it does not lead to an increase in sexual activity. That assumption is as erroneous as the belief that sex education or condom availability gives adolescents the green light to become immediately sexually active. Sexuality isn't something children get for their 18th birthday. All you can do is give them the facts, tell them how you feel, and it will unfold how it will unfold.
- XK
I am in a loving relationship with an incest survivor. She's a wonderful woman but as you probably would guess, our sex life is unlike any I've had experience with. She takes medication, has been in therapy for some time now, and she tries really hard to make sex more normal for me but it's not that easy. Sex with her usually goes like this: I suggest that I'm interested, we plan it out for a later date, it's very cautious and careful, and it is always missionary position. Once we get going, she often cries, stares off into space, and always seems like she's only doing it to appease me rather than because she's interested. Of course the sex stops when these things happen (which is almost every time) and I end up holding her and have to pocket any sexual drive I have.
The partners I've had in my past have been like most can identify with: it wasn't something we always planned, it was wild and crazy sometimes, we switched up positions, et cetera. So this is completely different to me and truth be told I don't look forward to it and my sex drive isn't what it once was. In fact, I've been having a hard time keeping an erection, which is something that I've never experienced in my life. I'm only 32, so I don't think it's low hormones or anything.
I feel selfish for asking this, but what can I do to put my sex life back on track? I can't imagine having my entire life be like this. I love her very much but it's hard for me to see a way to fix things.
- C.T., Phoenix, AZ
There are few things as difficult as dating the survivor of any type of abuse. The unpredictability and uniqueness of each situation is nearly impossible to predict and even when you think you have a handle on it, it can appear once again. It's a tough situation because you have to sacrifice the idea of having the "normal" kind of relationship you've had in the past until your partner reaches the point where they are able to do that with you.
Truthfully, I'm surprised you are even getting erections at all since you're receiving so many negative signals and experiences from your partner. You've lived your whole life with a certain type of partner and a certain type of sexual activity and here you are in a situation unlike any you've been in. You know you don't like it but you feel guilty for feeling that way. That's a lot of pressure for anyone to deal with. There is a certain paradox here in the sense that you are trying to play the role of the strong one but you feel badly about having a sex drive, you feel badly about the relationship, you feel worried for your partner, you feel helpless, and you feel as guilty for trying to enjoy something that hurts her. This isn't a good place for you to be. You need to make some changes here.
First, you have to make sure her medications and therapy are correct and working for her. If it's been decided that medication is a route she wants to follow, then make sure all medications have been discussed and the both of you are aware of all the options you have with them. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, she needs to be seeing the right therapist. Many therapists are not sure how to treat these issues. What are their goals? Is your partner fully expressing how she feels in their sessions? Would the two of them be open to you attending a few sessions to understand the dynamic and express concerns you may have?
Secondly, you may want to get some help for yourself. If counseling isn't for you, seek out or start a support group. Unfortunately, this sort of thing is more common than one would think and there are many people in similar situations to yours. If you're not comfortable attending a support group alone, bring along someone else in her life that has been affected by her past.
It's not selfish for you to feel worried by this; your happiness is naturally important to you. If she's not ready, can't visualize a healthy sex life somewhere in her future, and every part of this situation isn't working just right, you're likely fighting an uphill battle that you'll never win. It will not be easy, but if your partner is truly ready to work on sexuality becoming a positive thing in her life, you can succeed.
- XK
