Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
I believe in yesterday
The Beatles - "Yesterday"
So here is my problem. I have been dating a guy for almost 4 years now (since I was 28 and he was 27) and I've never cheated. As far as I know, neither has he. Our sex life is great, but lately I've been feeling the need to be sexual with others – both women and men. I don't want to lose my relationship with him, but I miss the feeling of being desired by others and want to be able to explore options as I see fit. He thinks I am "the one" and definitely would not be on board with me being sexual with others, even if I gave him the green light to do the same, which I would. I don't have any interest in finding "the one" but I do love him. I honestly don't feel like me being sexual with someone else will make me love him any less.
I don't think I'm ready to give up my relationship, but I've been feeling like this for a while and my feelings aren't going away like I thought they would. I feel very conflicted!
- H.B., Riverside, CA
There is a strong chance you're conflicted because you're not a monogamous person and struggle with the fact that society says that monogamy is one of the only indicators of a strong, committed relationship. You've likely grown up surrounded by that belief, and now when you have feelings that take you a different direction, you struggle.
Unfortunately, it sounds like you love someone who doesn't share your views. It's entirely possible that you won't love your partner any less if you are sexual with others; some people are put together this way. However, even if it does not hurt or affect you, it will likely hurt and affect your boyfriend since he is not put together this way.
I hate to tell you this, but you're one of those people who are in a relationship with someone who can't make you happy. It's not your fault, it's not his fault, but it exists nonetheless.
So what to do?
Change? I highly doubt you can; as you said, your feelings aren't going away. Can you wait for him to change? That's probably just as unlikely. For those that prefer and honor monogamy, the idea of choosing not to be in any other intimate relationships, whether mental or sexual, is what validates their feelings of being in a secure, special relationship.
Secretly act on your impulses? A lot of people go this route, but it never carries on as a permanent solution. Ultimately, you either end up feeling guilty about living a lie or hurting your partner in ways that you really don't want either of you to experience.
Stay with him? If so, you'll probably end up feeling incomplete somehow, see him as the direct cause as not fulfilling your needs, and hold a certain level of contempt toward him. As you've probably seen, a lot of people go this route and then live unhappy lives and look back years later with feelings of regret.
Is this your kind of math?So there is only one other option: leave. This sounds like terrible advice – like I've just ran out of ideas – but it will happen eventually, whether it's when you finally reach your breaking point or when you have found someone else who gives you the security to leave your current partner.
Promise me that you won't do this to yourself or anyone else ever again. Just like everyone else, you need to be honest with who you are and what you need before you bring someone into your life. If an open relationship is what you need, don't find partners who feel that monogamy is the only thing that makes a relationship work for them. Unfortunately, all the pain that you will feel and cause in this situation will strengthen this lesson.
- NK
It makes sense that it should happen this way
That the sky should break, and the earth should shake
As if to say
Sure it all matters, but in such an unimportant way
Poe - "Fly Away"
I'm 45 and my boyfriend is 23. We are not only sexually compatible but surprisingly mentally compatible as well. The one thing we do argue about is my career. I'm well out of graduate school and have carved out a pretty good career for myself. He's fresh out of college and of course hasn't established himself quite as much or for as long as I have, financially speaking. Now he is getting this crazy idea about becoming a Navy Seal. I feel like this relationship is out of control. What can I do? Are we doomed because of our age difference? I'm starting to think so.
- Old Enough to Know Better, Salem, OR
I'm guessing that the Navy Seal thing is just his way of leveling the playing field. You do something he would like to do but can't (make money at this point in your life), and so now he wants to take back some of that power and do something you can't do. He feels that he's the man providing something to you and proving his worth.
Anyway, I'm sure that your relationship is exciting to you and likely something new to him. But there are things to remember about relationships where there is a significant age difference.
First, both people have to be adults. I don't use that term in the legal sense. Yes, that's important, but so is the fact that both people have to bring life experience to the table. If they don't, that is a recipe for disaster.
Secondly, the age difference can't truly matter to either of them. It's fine to joke a little about it, but if you're truly not comfortable with the fact that you were driving before your partner was born, then you're putting obstacles in the road that will be difficult to overcome.
Finally, just like any other relationship, you have to be right for each other. That's all I can really question here - it doesn't sound to me like you're doomed simply because of your age difference. To put the blame on the age difference suggests that relationships where the partners are close in age survive. The fact is, couples break up (and people divorce) even when they are close in age. When it comes to mismatches, years don't matter.
- NK
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long, last look
Before we say goodbye
Don Henley - "The End of the Innocence"
I love my girlfriend very much, but I know that she isn't the one for me. My trouble is that I can't figure out how to tell her that I think we should go our separate ways. How?
- Will C., Billings, MT
For as many relationships begin, nearly that same number end. So, breaking up is a very important thing to know how to do correctly. Of course, each situation is somewhat unique, but there are some basic tactics to stick to.
Not the way you want it?You may know that you don't want to be in the relationship, but you'd better be able to explain why that is the case. They'll almost certainly ask and you need to be specific while being tactful. Sit them down - in person - and let them know that you have decided you want to end the relationship. Getting those words out are the hardest, but once you do, it's easier from there. Through all the subsequent questions, arguing, anger, and bargaining, you'll have to maintain your position. It's very tempting to believe someone you care a great deal about when they say that they'll change or to change your mind when you see them crying.
Allot yourself a certain time to get through this talk and try to stick to it. Oftentimes, it goes on for much longer than it needs to and it becomes almost an awkward ending. It'll take some time, depending on how long you have been together, but don't draw it out into an excruciatingly long matter.
Good luck!
- NK
