I am in my 2nd year of college living in a dorm with my roommate Ashley. I don't know if you've ever lived in a dorm, but you don't have a hell of a lot of privacy. You don't ever get time to masturbate so you basically memorize your roommate's class schedule and go for it when you can. A while ago I was having a little fun with myself and in walks Ashley coming home from a cancelled Anatomy class. Irony! She walked out immediately and I made sure I wasn't around later when she came home. Since then we've seen each other a bunch of times but neither of us have brought it up and it's really awkward. Is there a way to bring this up to her so we can just move on? We're friends and it's really strange to have this weirdness between us.
- JG, Austin, TX
This is a pretty common occurrence. Combining undergrad and grad school, I've walked in on 5 roommates masturbating, including a really gutsy guy who was using my computer and my lubricant. That's 5 out of the 7 roommates I had. But they never got me, thankyouverymuch.
Really, this isn't that big of a deal. If you're going to continue to act embarrassed about doing 
And try some of thesesomething that everyone, including your roommate, does, that's what's going to make the situation weird. If you play it cool, act like it's not something you're ashamed of, but rather something you're completely over, then she'll follow suit.
If that doesn't work, reclaim power over the situation by making light of it. Something like, "Hey, if anatomy gets cancelled again, don't try to surprise me with your pop quiz again," shows that you're ok with the situation enough to acknowledge it with a laugh.
- XK
My new girlfriend is a trip. She's got this crazy idea that she wants to tie me up and take complete control of me during sex. I can't give up that kind of power during sex, but don't want to tell her that there's no way in hell she's doing that to me. How can I explain it to her so she doesn't cut me off to get even with me?
- Bummed in Cali
Well, I would hope that you're not dating someone who would hold out on you if you don't do exactly what she wants you to do. Revenge isn't the best way to handle being let down, and I hope she knows that.
But let me make one thing clear about being tied up, being held down, or anything of the kind. Top and bottom interactions might not be exactly what you think they are. If she wants to take control in a sexual encounter, you aren't giving up power. One amazing thing about these kinds of situations is that it's rarely clear who is in control. Both people feel fulfilled, acknowledged, and powerful when it's done right. The top uses control and enthusiasm - and shows with that zeal - the worth and appeal of the bottom. The bottom? They use their relinquishment of power to affirm the overwhelming sexual powers of the top. Both feel powerful.
Control isn't the responsibility of either - nor is it unique to - either. The control and vigor are created by the connection between them.
Sounds good, right? Give it a shot!
- XK
I am sure I'm not the only woman in the world to suffer from this, but I'm just not very orgasmic. I was brought up in a Catholic family, Catholic School, etc., and I have always had guilty feelings about sex and especially masturbation. I feel like sex is something that I can eventually have when I'm married and want kids but masturbation is bad forever. I tried it a little bit but know that I haven't had an orgasm since I really didn't even know what I was doing.
I don't really know how other women do it and I've had no education about things like that. I didn't even know what a tampon was until I moved to the United States let alone how other people masturbate. All my friends seem like they're experts at it and I can tell how great they are at it but I could never ask how they do it. Where can I learn how?
- Maria G., San Antonio, TX
You don't have to go anywhere to find out. All you have to do is find some privacy and explore your body to find out what feels best for you. Masturbation is one of the most natural things a person can do, and opens the doors to a life full of positive sexual feelings and experiences. In fact, when a person goes to sex therapy, you can bet that every time, the therapist will inquire about their masturbation history; it's that key.
A huge ingredient to accomplishing what you want to do is going to be really difficult - you are going to have to try to deprogram yourself and some of that guilty, religious upbringing. I'm not asking you to be a heathen and abandon anything else about religion that you don't want to abandon, but that guilt of yours is one of the largest obstacles to truly enjoying your body and making the most of sexual pleasure. Rid your mind of that traditional religious opposition to pleasurable sexual feelings and actions.
One book that I'll recommend to use in conjunction with this is "For Yourself : The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality" by Lonnie Barbach. It was written in the mid-70's, but it still holds up for the most part. Some readers criticize the book for being a bit dated, but if you know as little about your body and technique as it sounds like you do, then this book will be a really good start. You don't mention if you're learning with or without a partner (I suggest you learn about yourself first and foremost, whatever your situation), but this book has information about both.
Welcome, in advance, to the world of orgasm.
- XK
