Years ago, online dating was for the hard-up, the ugly-sticked, and for Mom's Basement Virgins all over. It was unpopular and for the desperate. That was then, this is now. The activity on these sites is soaring as more and more people realize it's as feasible - if not more so - as walking into a smoke-filled bar with loud music and yelling, "SO WHAT DO YOU DO?" over music that makes you pine for the quiet of a jet engine.
Our courting rituals change over time. Back in the day, people used to pile into booths and share milkshakes from a soda jerk. That's not so much the thing to do anymore. With changes in society and advancements in technology, we have to recognize where dating trends may evolve to. Match.com alone has gone from about 2.5 million profiles in 2002 to over 15 million in 2006. It sounds plenty popular and anything but desperate, doesn't it?
Where else can you...So rather than answer a lot of the "How do I..." and "What if..." questions we get concerning online dating, we've decided to each do a section about it this month. Hopefully you can find all your answers inside!
...date like this?Note that for those living a life a little beyond the traditional vanilla scene, primary dating sites may not be the place for you. You'll definitely notice what side the statistics are on and get unwanted emails if you post that you're into something general society finds to be alien. If you're polyamorous, into heavy, heavy bondage, and/or have a thing for Vietnamese women dressed as cops in lace, sites like Craigslist will yield a higher success rate.
Nolan Kingsley: The Beginning
Are you online? Obviously. Are you wanting to meet someone new? Maybe. If not, this is purely for your information, right? Either way, read on for Erotophilia.com's fantastic takes on online dating!
Never -
- Use a ridiculous nickname. Keep it clean! RonJeremyFan may seem witty to you, but it screams that you're sexually immature. And I'm sure you're BrngngSxyBck and very Fergielicious, but go with Cowboy82401 or Caligurrl75 instead.
- Use dated pictures. Sure, everyone will post their best pictures and they may not look exactly that stellar when you meet them, but when you show up 10 years older than in your pictures, you have little to no chance. Deceit is not what you want to put as your first foot forward. Also, guys, avoid shirtless pictures no matter what's under the cloth.
- Use pictures with babies. Crop them out or find another picture. You'll cut your potential pool by a considerable amount even if you write in your profile that it's your niece. Most won't make it that far.
- Say in your profile that you're funny. Make a funny profile and send funny emails, but don't write it in your profile. You're subjected to "Ok, you great entertainer, make me laugh" pressure if you do. Being funny is like being good at sex: if you are, they'll notice.
- Brag. You have a new BMW, a great job that allows you to see the world and are a former undefeated fencing champion who has dated nothing but models? Good for you. Now let that be the last you talk about it. "I truly enjoy my job" sounds so much better than "Loaded CEO."
- Compliment her looks. Be original; she's heard all about her
- Sign emails with your username. It's tacky and makes you look bizarre. Signing with your real name makes you look a little more trustworthy.
- Send more than one or two emails without a response. Two is even pushing it. It's online stalking if you write, "I figured maybe you somehow missed my last 4 emails. Write me back!"
- Send hate emails if it doesn't work out. If they're not interested, let it go. Rejection hurts a lot less from a glowing screen in your computer room than it does to your face, so consider it an e-blessing and move on. You're a small person if you're sending emails that say, "You should change your profile because you are NOT a down-to-Earth person. You're actually rude!"
Always -
- Scope out the competition. You will be amazed at how unimaginative other people are, and you don't want to look like one of them. Amazingly, every guy is a "great guy" and every girl is "baggage-free." Establish yourself as an individual, not as one of the crowd.
Warning:
Results not typicalPost pictures. It's 2007 and there is no excuse not to have access to a camera of some kind. Can't afford one? I'll bet one of your friends can. You need to understand that words are powerful, but nothing can float you like instant attraction. Most profiles with no pictures are skipped over by both sexes.- State what you're looking for in your profile. If you're only up for friendship, say so. Same with long-term relationships and even something purely physical. It's a waste of time on both parts to have different expectations from the beginning.
- Narrow it down. It's very similar to real life in the sense that if you spend 10% of your energy on 10 people, you'll fare better than if you spend 1% of your energy on 100 people. You'll seem more sincere and interested in perhaps knowing them, not just knowing anyone.
- Talk about them in your email. They'll read your profile if they're interested, so there is no need to repeat it all in an email. Concentrate on some specific item(s) in their profile that lets them know you're talking specifically about them and not just copying and pasting something you've given everyone else.
- Ask them out. You've emailed a number of times and it's fun and maybe even flirty. If you wait too long, they might meet someone else or think you're just looking for a cyber-buddy. Ask to meet up for coffee or for their phone number so you can call them sometime and figure out something to do. Yes women, this means you too.
Xavier Kincaid: The Physical
So you've narrowed it down and found someone to meet for the first time. Great. Here are some tips to follow before your regular "how-to-date" gears kick in.
- Meet in a public place. For as much as you know about each other, you don't really know anything about each other. Coffee shops, tea houses, and delis are built for speed and quick visits. You never know when you're sitting across from a person who you wouldn't want to have your address.
- Limit the first date to 60-90 minutes. If something goes wrong, you don't want to be staring awkwardly down at your $40/plate dinner waiting for that trendy new dessert to come out so you can spitefully pay the bill and leave.
- Keep your personality. There is a tendency for people to be very daring when they're at home in front of their computers. They also have a long time to write that perfect email. When they meet in real life, they don't have a lot of experience being a big flirt, using big words, or have time to look up something interesting to talk about. Don't let that happen to you; be who you are in the first place and you won't have to worry about it.
- Watch out for cyber pseudo-closeness. You've exchanged 43 emails before you ever met, and it frequently leads to a strange feeling of intimacy. The both of you might have a weird tendency to start opening up to each other about heartbreak, struggles, and other things you'd normally save. Keep in mind that all you've exchanged is small talk and are starting from square one on that first date. Remember their name, likes and dislikes, and whatever you know about their family. Keep it as new on that first date as you can, or else you're going to walk off thinking that they're not exactly the person you thought they were.
Gideon Rasby: The Warnings
The axe murderer. Women are always afraid of going online and meeting the axe murderer. Is there any other kind of murderer that goes online to find women? It's axe-exclusive? That has to piss sexual predators and serial killers plenty. Luckily for women, all the years of training with axes leaves few with the fingers it takes to set up a profile. Sleep easy, ladies. You're more likely to get stabbed by some drunk in a bar with a pool stick than you are to meet Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Bunyan online.
And guys? Nobody wants The Cat Lady just getting out of a 5 year relationship who wants to get revenge on that sonofabitch by making him insanely jealous and showing him he should still love her as much as she loves him. And when you tell her you're not interested? she's the one carving "CHEATING BASTARD" in your paint job with a piece of brick she just punched out of the wall. Women. Can't live with 'em and can't live with 'em. No typo.
To help sift through the garbage, I've created this cheat sheet for all you online daters out there. Feel free to print it out and use on your online journey.
Gideon Rasby's Guide to Online Dating Terminology |
|
| The Ladies | |
| She says she's... | Translation... |
| Slender | What you consider "average" |
| Athletic | Could be, but also could be a softball player or once spent 15 minutes reading InStyle magazine on a treadmill. Check for body pics |
| BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) | BW |
| Smart | Settled for a job she hates |
| Cute | Cute. With a big ass |
| Not Jaded | Jaded |
| An author and a teacher | Not a good author |
| A wine lover | Needs an excuse for her behavior |
| Independent, driven, and strong-willed | Bitch |
| Christian | Better than 50/50 chance of anal |
| Aires with moon in Scorpio and Cancer Rising | More unreasonable than even the average woman |
| A hopeless romantic | Believes Hallmark Cards, Disney Cartoons, and The Princess Bride give you a great map of how to love her |
| A party girl | Rejected from MTV's Real World for reckless and immoral audition tape |
| If she says... | Translation... |
| "...I love to travel, hang out with friends, watch movies..." | "I'm boring." |
| "...If you don't like my cat/dog, it won't work..." | "Reality? What in the hell is that?" |
| "...I love to curl up with a good book..." | "That book is a magazine. On celebrity gossip. Let's talk about it for about 74 hours." |
| "...My friends are making me do this..." | "My friends don't even know I'm doing this." |
| "...My friends say I'm cute..." | "That's why they're my friends." |
| "...I'm looking for Mr. Right..." | "I wouldn't know Mr. Right if he gave me a Mr. Left-to-the-Ribs." |
| "...I love to sleep..." | "My parents give me money." |
| "...I'm very sensual..." | "Only bring condoms if you like yours better than mine." |
| "...I love airline food..." | "I'll find your Rice-A-Roni and deli meat gourmet." |
| "...I love sports..." | "What are sports?" |
| "...I'm looking for something serious..." | "I'm looking for something serious." |
| "...I'm not looking for anything serious..." | "I'm looking for something serious." |
| "...I'm sick of the club scene..." | "I didn't get enough attention in the club scene." |
| The Gentlemen | |
| He says he's... | Translation... |
| Average build | Thinks Larry the Cable Guy also has an average build |
| Sports lover | Sports watching lover |
| Adventurous | Wants a 3-way with you and your sister |
| A student of life | With a 6th grade education |
| A kid at heart | Need you to be the parent |
| Open-minded | As long as it doesn't interfere with what he already thinks |
| Earthy | Smells like a spice rack |
| A man's man | Has issues with his penis size |
| Without baggage | Doesn't know what his baggage is/Knows but damn sure won't tell you here |
| Laid back | Loves weed |
| Huge U2 fan, loves Lost, 24, Seinfeld, and Friends | As average and common as it gets. Likely named James Smith. |
| New to online dating | Worried you might think he's not, so changes screen names every 3 months |
| If he says... | Translation... |
| "...I like nights by the fireplace and long walks on the beach..." | "I heard that somewhere." |
| "...I would like 2 do kewl things 4U. Maybe I'll CUL8R or something... | "I'm not the kind of guy you'd like your friends to meet." |
| "...I'm 100% heterosexual..." | "I'm mentioning it for a reason. That reason? I'm 75%. Ok, 60%." |
| "...no way I can explain myself in this box..." | "I'm less complicated than I think I am." |
| "...I don't have a camera to take photos..." | "I have several, but just meet me in person. Please. PLEASE!" |
| "...at 6'5" and 210 pounds, I'm not religious, but I am a locksmith..." | "I tend to write jumbled thoughts." |
| "...work hard and play hard..." | "I'm very cliché. Truth be told, I work in a cubicle and play World of Warcraft." |
| "...looking for someone to be the mother of my children..." | "I'm out of options." |
| "...I'm a real Southern gentleman..." | "My Name is Earl. No, not the show. Literally." |
| "...answer these questions for me..." | "Ah ha! I flipped the script on you! Who's on trial now, bitch?!?!" |
| "...I don't know what to say here..." | "I won't on our date, either." |
| "...I don't really like the club scene..." | "I'm brave as hell online, but girls scare the shit out of me in real life." |
| "...go to church every Sunday..." | "I roll out of someone's bed every 9th week and go smelling like bar trash crotch and a diaper full of curried shrimp." |
