I don't know how you're supposed to find me lately
And what more could you ask from me
How could you say that I never needed you
When you took everything
You took everything from me
Guns N' Roses - "Estranged"
I'm hoping you can help me out. I've been married for 8 years to my high school sweetheart. For the first couple of years we had the kind of relationship that made everyone jealous. We were absolutely smitten. We were just a couple of kids that were crazy about each other and everyone knew it.
Fast forward through the years and things started to change. Life got a lot harder and it seemed like we were less and less perfect for each other. I started wanting more out of life than she did. She was raised in a very simple life on a small farm and I want to travel, drink fancy wine, and rub elbows with people that she can't stand. Also, I wanted more kids, but she insists we're done after only one. I could go on and on listing all the differences that have been revealed in our relationship.
She wants a divorce and I don't, despite knowing that it's the right thing for the both of us. I never thought I could feel so low. I guess I'm afraid that without her I don't have anything. I know that I've absolutely been the best man I could be to her so I feel totally helpless. Is there something I/we did wrong? I don't think it's that we married so young, but I really have no idea how it all went so bad.
- Troy
If we could invent a machine where we could visit ourselves at different points in our lives and ask ourselves who we were at that point in time, we'd get a different answer every time. You're not who you were at 18 when you're 25, you're not who were at 25 when you're 33, and sometimes after something major, you're not even who you were at 35 who you are at 36. Life is a strange combination of growth and changes while simultaneously settling into who you will be. When you enter into a long-term relationship, especially a marriage, you're committing that you'll grow with them. What you can't foresee is whether or not you'll grow in the same direction. It sounds to me like you didn't here, and unfortunately that happens more than we hope it might.
I'm sure that you feel helpless in not only what's going on in the grand scheme of things, but also feel helpless every time a difference comes up between you. It's not that either of you are doing anything wrong; it's just that you're going down different roads. It's extremely difficult to reconcile a situation where one of you wants to go down a certain road and the other can't do it without sacrificing a large part of who they are.
I wish I could give you the words to save everything and make it all how it was years ago, but I can't. All I can tell you is that if it ends and you think, "I could have loved her better. I could have done more," then you'll have a hard time coming to grips with that, maybe forever. But if you've been all you can be, then there are no regrets. Disappointments, yes. Regrets, no. Your road does not - and will not - end. If you can move, you can continue to grow.
- NK
Here we are in the darkest place
To keep from forgetting, I picture your face
And I wonder while we count the cost
Which is sweeter - love or its loss
Tom McRae - "Vampire Heart"
I just ended my first serious relationship. All my friends and family keep telling me that I'll learn something from all of this but I can't see what I could ever, ever, ever learn from having my heart broken. I gave him all that I had and he treated me like dirt. I said everything he needed to hear and was the perfect girlfriend. What do they mean when they say it's for the best, I don't REALLY love him and I'll learn something from this? All I feel is terrible and like crying all the time.
Love is as genuine as the reality it's experienced in.
It almost seems laughable now, but I remember dancing with my 6th grade girlfriend to a Poison song and telling each other that we'd love each other forever. It seemed so real and strong at the time that it would have been impossible to convince me otherwise. Today? I have no idea where she lives, what she's doing, and know for sure that I've had feelings for people far, far greater than the ones that seemed so real with her.
Love is also easily forgotten and replaced, especially when you're just learning what it is.
Can you remember a band that you liked 5 years ago but now have no idea why? Maybe you liked a movie at one time, but now when you watch it, you can't find one good thing about it? You're going to change so much over the course of your life 
You'll go from this...that many things won't even seem relatable to you anymore, and this is likely one of them.
Ultimately, the only thing I can offer you is the same worthless "Trust me on this" that everyone else is. 
...to thisBut know that each one of us is like a giant block of ice that gets fashioned and shaped into something beautiful by our experiences. It's hard to believe, but you need situations like these just as much as you need all the positive ones. You'll then know what you want and don't want, what to seek and what to avoid, and have a well-defined idea of who you are.
- NK
If I agree, well
It's just to appease you
'Cause I don't remember
What we're fighting for
Sarah McLachlan - "Time"
I'm a 20 year old gay male and have been dating older men for as long as I can remember. I have always been more attracted to guys in their mid 30s than guys my own age. My problem is that they are so much more experienced in life and relationships that they know a lot more than me. Which brings me to why I'm writing in. My current boyfriend says that I beat a dead horse and don't know when to drop an argument. He says that he's never really argued with any of his ex-boyfriends and that I need to grow up. I really like him but I'm not sure what to do. How far should an argument go with him? Is there really any way he really isn't an arguer and I am the problem?
- Jordan B., Alberta
A really important thing to learn about relationships is that if you are together long enough, you will argue. It's inevitable. A true measure of how mature you are in your relationships is what you do when it happens. I imagine what your boyfriend meant was that he rarely argued in his past relationships or kept it to a minimum when it did indeed happen.
How far should an argument go? Well, let's look at why we argue in the first place. For the most part, we argue to let the other individual(s) in our relationships know that we have needs not being met, whether it's something small like, "I really am getting sick of watching this TV show every Thursday night," or something deeper like, "I used to trust and respect you, but since you cheated on me, it's just not there anymore."
The problem most people run into is that we're so upset about something that, even after we express our need in the form of conflict, we keep going with it because it's important to us to know that they understand 100%. You need to learn how to express how you feel and then give your boyfriend a chance to reciprocate any concerns he has about the issue and also give him a chance to let you know he understands how you feel. I'm not sure if you are doing this, but don't assume you need to talk until you're blue in the face before he finally understands you.
It's a good idea to keep it brief, if possible. Conflicts are part of a healthy relationship, but they aren't inherently healthy, nor are they something you want a relationship to be full of. Fight fair, say what you need to say, and listen. That will serve you well.
- NK
