I love my girlfriend very much, but I have a problem. She is a real girly-girl and loves to do the whole thing with the body spray, perfume, and other smelly things that make my nose run. I can't even hug her right after she gets ready since I'm so sensitive to how she smells. I don't want to break up with her over something that seems so stupid, but I'm not sure what else to do. Any suggestions?
- Chief Burning Nose, New Jersey
I'm so glad you wrote in about this. I feel exactly the same way. They end up smelling less like a woman and more like a damn Bath & Body Works.
Cool Breeze body wash on their loofa. Oat and kiwi shampoo. Pear and mulberry conditioner. Indian Ocean Fresh facial scrub. Dandelion and Fried Green Tomatoes Foot Exfoliatior. Almond Apple lotion. Crisp Autumn Clothesline body spray. Misty, Misty Mist Laundry Detergent. New Hampshire Winter Dryer Sheets. Fuzzy Lovin' Fabric Softener. Top it all off with the Perfume-of-the-Moment and wow, you really have an olfactory nightmare on your hands. This kind of thing would even confuse a sommelier: "I believe she's an '82 Estrogen vintage with Oceans, Gales, Orchards, and light tones of some kind of Meadows."
Only in november, pleaseLadies, we really don't want to date a cornucopia. We like when you smell like a woman. You know how babies just smell good? Same with women. If I had to go to prison for 20 years, it sure would suck to not be able to sleep with a woman. But it would suck just as much to not be able to smell a woman. You can't recreate that by buying yourself a bitch and paying with a makeshift toothbrush and 65 arcade tokens.
So let your girlfriend know you love her without her magic potions and whatever you do, don't smoke around her. She's bound to be flammable.
- GR
I've been dating Sean, my boyfriend, for 6 months now. We get along great except for one thing: he hates when I hit him. I never hit him out of anger or anything like that. I usually only do it when we're joking around. I guess I sometimes do get carried away and hit him too hard, but he's supposed to be the man and shouldn't be hurt by little ol' me. The last thing I want to be with is some weakling who can't protect me. What should I do?
- KB., Provo, UT
For the most part, a little playful tap is fine. Physical flirting and touching are part of how humans who enjoy each other's company interact. But if even you will admit that you get carried away and hit him a bit too hard, then you're probably taking it too far.
But this is something that irks me about women. You can't expect equal and special treatment at your own discretion. Either fairness is applied across the board as much as we can or it's not. You can't want to have equal pay, treatment, and rights and then think it should be different here. Don't want to be hit by men? Fine. I agree that's bullshit. But don't hit them either.
Nobody likes thisOutside of a very specific sexual situation, would anyone in the world tell you that being hit is something they enjoy? I just can't imagine anyone has ever said, “There's Christmas and then there's this. I love it when I am a creative and intelligent enough guy to make you laugh and you suddenly and surprisingly crash your knuckles into my ribs. It's one of my favorite things. No, really! Let me close my eyes and you can do it right now!” Why don't you just carry a piece of old wood around so you can run his hand over it at high speeds to splinter him up out of the blue?
Retire the brass knuckles and go apologize, Street Fighter.
- GR
I love strip clubs more than I love eating food. I love them more than I love oxygen. It doesn't bother me a bit to watch a girl grind her ass all over me for a few bucks. Hell, if I take someone on a regular date, I end up paying 3 times what it would have cost in a strip club to get a girl to do the same thing. Even then it's not [guaranteed] to happen.
Here's the problem though. I'm picky when it comes to strippers and I hate wasting my cash on some girl I don't want giving me a dance in the first place. What's the best way to get those girls away from me? I assume they'll be letting the pretty ones know what an asshole they think I am if I tell them to get lost.
- Ryan, Atlanta, GA
Dancers are pretty reasonable if you handle the situation with some class. If you're the kind of guy who is going to try to put a girl down and embarrass her by saying, “Sorry, I'm not into aging transsexuals” to look cool in front of your friends, you might as well leave that club. Stephen Baldwin's career will see more fortunate action than you that night.
Be good...I probably can't explain to you how to be honest without being rude in the few words I have here. Judging by the strip clubs I've been in, tact isn't passed out at the door. But Swisher Sweets appear to be. Strange thing.
Try saying thanks but then letting them know that you're looking for a really specific look. 
...but don't touch!Or that you're more into brunettes if they're blonde. Redheads if they're brunette. Tall if they're short. Short if they're tall. Just not one-legged if they have two. It might be lying, but it solves your problem and you save face.
It's their arena; they're smart girls. They know that they can't be every guy's type, but they'd rather you didn't waste their time or insult them with something you think is really creative and funny.
- GR
