I guess I'm a pretty cute girl, but I just keep meeting new guys who care about that and only that. It's never that I'm smart, determined, or anything like that. I'm sick of being treated like a sexual object. Why are guys like that?
- Amanda R., Martinez, CA
Guys aren't like that. Those guys are like that. Some guys see girls as little trophies and don't value what a woman is or what a woman can make a man. Keep looking.
I have heard the "I hate being treated like a sexual object" thing from many women, though. This is a tough statement. We definitely want to be thought of as a sexual object in some fashion, don't we?
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that it's wrong to see a person as an object. We're supposed to see them as a whole person with many facets to them and much to offer, not just as someone who has a stunning face, great breasts, or shoulders that you can't take your eyes off.
The problem is, objectification is very important, despite the negative feeling we get when we hear the word. When someone initially is attractive to you or arouses sexual feelings in you, you are approving and validating something about them. You may not know anything about that other person except for the fact that you like what you initially see. That person - more specifically, the way they look - is a stimulus, and in that sense, they are an object.
That is essential. Attraction can only work if we recognize someone as being separate and beyond ourselves. They are there and I am here. She is her and I am me. He is him and I am me.
So this is all a good thing. And we bring it upon ourselves. How many billions of dollars are spent each year trying to make people more attractive sexual objects? How many hours are spent for the same reason? You might go to the gym for some health reasons, but you don't get your hair highlighted, nails done, or buy that cute top to do anything but make yourself more attractive. Part of it is being part of society's norm as far as following what's popular in looks and style, but not all of it. We all try to look our best. Have you ever thought of why? Most people will say that they're doing it for themselves. That's true, but it's for them because underneath that, it's for everybody else. I haven't ever met someone who would highlight their hair if they lived on a desert island.
Both women and men desire chances to be seen as sexual objects, and many complain how they don't get a chance to feel that way enough.
This is going a bit farI think the true issue is when you have to say, "I hate being treated only like a sexual object." But when someone meets you and lets you know you're attractive, I don't see that as a huge problem. After all, they haven't gotten a chance to know that you're smart, funny, motivated, and the like. If, after dating a while, the only compliment you ever get is how cute you are, then that's incomplete. Move on if that's the case.
- XK
I was just watching Young Guns II. Why is it that whenever I see a pimp on TV, he's portrayed as some slimeball, but when I see a madam, she's not portrayed the same way? The madam in this movie is portrayed all cute and even noble. You feel bad for her when they burn her brothel down and chuckle and cheer when she tells off the community.
Compare that to pimps in movies. They're all guys with guns, bad clothes, and drug problems. I guess [madams] don't "slap the bitches around" like a pimp might, but aren't they kind of the same thing in the end?
- Michael P., Philadelphia, PA
That's an interesting observation.
I'm going to say that we love the madam because we find women who are sexual and/or in control of their sexuality fascinating in some way. She is anything but threatening to a man and certainly no woman fears her man permanently leaving her and falling in love with a madam. The head of a house of ill repute must surely have an ill reputation, we assume.
So why the hatred for pimps? I say this has to do with how we feel about the prostitute and ourselves.
Who goes to a whore (I use the word here in the professional sense, surely not with any of the negative connotations it's become associated with) in the first place? All walks of life, of course, but let's say it is generally three groups.
First, there are those with fewer options than the average person. Burn victims, amputees, people with disabilities, and others who don't fit into the little boxes we all put each other in don't always have the same choices as the typical person walking down the street. However, sexual drive and interest don't stop just because you happened to lose a limb at some point. Sex, like life, must go on.
Second, those whose sexual interests include activities or objects that most of us don't associate as being primarily sexual. I'd call this "kink" if people didn't abuse the word and stretch its meaning to the point where it includes a little spank on the butt. Where else might a person get someone to rub black olives all over their butt while telling them what a bad sous chef they are?
Lastly, and likely most commonly, the millions that feel sex is something separate or distant from the lives they live. Maybe they just can't get their partner to do that one thing that really turns them on. Maybe they've never really pleasured a woman like they've fantasized about and the posturing of the whore works for them - sometimes perception is close enough to reality. Or maybe they have never had a partner in the first place.
Even dispelling the stereotypes we've seen as to what pimps say, what they do, and how they look, is there something else underneath it all that maddens a man?
The worst things come to your mind. The two of you have had your thing and you've given her money in exchange for that. And the first thing she does is hand your money, and in part, your experience, over to someone else. And that someone is another man. A man who does her for free. And they're no doubt chortling at your oddities, aren't they? He is walking proof that what you had with her was an imitation of the original.
The vulnerabilities that can be involved in the sexual arena can make us wary of those that touch on our sexuality whom are beyond our control.
- XK
I found a stolen Playboy in the bedroom of my 14-year old but I didn't say anything to him. I figure it's better to look at Playboys than look at XXX stuff online, so should I say anything?
- Dan, Sherman, WI
Desire to see nudity is a natural part of development. And at age 14, he probably knows more than you might guess.
Like other areas of development and growth, the sexual behavior of children changes and develops as time passes by. There are things that are totally normal and appropriate and there are things that are inappropriate. The trouble is when we run into a gray area where it isn't clear as to what is right to do and what is wrong.
Luckily, you don't always have to solve that gray area; this one is clear. A child simulating sexual acts at preschool every day at lunch is socially inappropriate. A 14-year-old boy curious and interested in a woman's body is appropriate.
At that age, your boy probably has enough social pressure to deal with and could do without dad coming down on him for having what is basically a Victoria's Secret catalog, minus 2 inches of fabric. If you do talk to him, which hopefully isn't your first conversation about sexual information, ask if he has any questions or if there's anything he needs to know from you. Create an environment where there is no guilt, no shame, no secrets, and where information is exchanged freely, in both directions. You may have a thing or two to learn about a different generation.
- XK
