Why is it that I'm seeing more and more amateur porn? Everywhere I look it's "Local girls doing naughty things" or me seeing some picture of some average chick uploaded on Craigslist or wherever. Are all the hot porn stars gone now?
- Jim, San Antonio, TX
I don't really think "Local girls doing naughty things" is actually amateur porn, but you do bring up a good point. Amateur porn has actually taken off astronomically, which I think is exciting for pornography. Millions and millions of people are uploading pictures and videos onto various websites for even more millions of people to enjoy. The perceived distance between watcher and those being watched is very small; these people could be the people in front of you in line at the grocery store, the people who bring your mail, or the people literally next door. Their sexuality seems very attainable and relatable.
For those who haven't seen these non-commercial examples of erotica, you might expect:
- People whose bodies don't meet the cultural impossibility of perfection. Many people are very everyday in appearance, attitude, and even behavior.
- Mostly familiar settings. It's not taking place on a purple, velvet couch poolside overlooking Los Angeles. It's taking place on a couch just like yours with clutter here and there, just like you likely have in your home.
- Real conversation. Sex isn't always perfect and smooth; sometimes things happen that are funny, awkward, or need attended to. Since most amateur pornography is raw and unedited, you are much more likely to hear someone laugh and say, "You know, this would work a lot better if you stopped leaning on my hair!"
- People with a variety of ages. This is extremely important because we tend to forget how people are sexual well past the years where their breasts are firm and their abs are tight. We seem to sweep people under the rug once they're past the point where society wants to envision them doing sexual things. That's not the case here.
- Comfort. There are a lot of porn stars that are very comfortable in front of the camera, whether it be taking solo shots or having group sex. However, there are a lot of porn stars that are not that way. With amateur porn, the people in front of the camera are usually quite familiar with the people behind the camera. They know they're turning on someone close to them, so they tend to be more relaxed and show it by having a great time.
- More realistic chemistry. Most of the couples are couples in real life, not just two actors who meet an hour before they're going to be sexual. If you're sick of the same old thing, then you might want to check out the difference between some hung stud jackhammering away at some woman while the camera zooms in on their genitals and a couple who has learned to explore each other's bodies from hair to heels and truly knows how to turn one another on.
If that doesn't sound particularly exciting to you - real people doing real things - then perhaps you can get behind just the concept of what the popularity of amateur porn means.
It means all the pornography opponents, who hate how women are coerced into a life where they're taking their clothes off and/or having sex, need to start realizing that porn isn't about that. These women (and men) aren't coerced at all; they're being sexual because they enjoy being sexual. They appear to be excited because they are excited.
It means all the people who think that sex is only for the perfect are wrong. Realism can easily overcome perfection. A lot of people would choose the average woman having a real orgasm over a flat, forced, "Oh. Yeah. Baby." A lot of people would rather see a man proud of his average-sized penis and using it skillfully than someone using their large one as a weapon.
It means all those that think that being in porn leads to dangerous things are also wrong. It doesn't lead to hardcore drug use, STI rates going through the roof, teen pregnancy rates exploding, or anything of the sort. The people posting pictures and videos are your neighbors and possibly you! If it was dangerous, millions and millions of people participating in this would mean that you're constantly living in a progressive state of danger and sex-poisoned neighborhoods. That's clearly not the case. People like to do what they like to do and for the extremely large majority of cases, it's harmless.
And in this case, it's also transforming and revolutionizing sex.
- XK
My boyfriend is out of town at least two weeks of the month. We have a great sex life but as you might guess, it's not as easy to be sexual when he's hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles across the country. He's suggested that we have phone sex, but I really don't know if I can do that. Do you have any advice?
- Derick, Jefferson, LA
Typically, sexual experiences involve a lot of interaction between two people that can only take place in a physical sense: kissing, rubbing, grabbing, nibbling, licking, hugging, spooning, and similar things. However, there are things that go on that aren't solely part of the physical act. When you are with your partner, do you tell him what you like or what you'd like to do with him? Do you tell him how much he turns you on? Does he make you feel that he's really enjoying the experience as well? Phone sex is basically just that plus a guided masturbation fantasy. All you need is to relax and use a little imagination.
Starting it is the hardest part for beginners. What helps is doing what you might normally do when you masturbate alone. Have a glass of wine (one, not seven), put on some quiet music in the background, lay in your comfortable bed, dim the lights, or whatever it is you need to do. Have your normal phone conversation and when you're ready, just say what's on your mind. "You know what I love? I love when you..." or "When you get back, I want to..." are simple, safe, and sexy ways to start.
In our lifetimes, we'll have many different types of sexual outlets. We may have oral sex, we may have intercourse, we may masturbate together, we may masturbate solely for the viewing pleasure of our partner, we may send a partner sexy photos of us, we may use food in a sexual way, we may talk dirty, we may have group sex, etc. Phone sex is just one of the many types of exciting outlets we have available to us. It might seem a little far out for you, Derick, but it's really not as hard as you might think. Give it a try and I think you'll like it.
Just remember: it's not replacing how great your sex life is; it's supplementing it.
- XK
I'm a 43 year-old, happily-married father of 3. I've loved women for as long as I can remember. However, years ago when I was just entering puberty, I touched a classmate's erection and he touched mine. We were mostly just curious as to what these things were (we were both raised in very religious households and didn't get a lot of sex education) and how they worked. This has always bothered me. I really don't know the answers to these questions. I feel like I am straight but my past behavior says otherwise. Am I gay? Was I gay? Am I bisexual? Was I bisexual?
- Tony R., San Diego, CA
In order: no, no, no, and no. Almost all males are curious about what is happening to their body at that time. With what has been a woeful lack of even the most basic anatomical sex education, we basically get a brand new penis at that time that behaves totally differently than it used to, and it confuses us. To talk about it, ask about it, joke about it, or experiment with it amongst your peers at that age is extremely common.
I remember a man in one of my grad school sexuality classes asking about something almost exactly the same as you have here. He was in tears as years of questioning his sexuality came to the surface. He had never told anyone in his life, including his wife, about how he and a few other adolescent males had all masturbated together to see who could orgasm the fastest. In what was a very serious moment for this man, not five seconds had passed before another guy in the class let out a nearly dismissive, "Pshh. Only 4 of you? My whole gym class did it!" That lighter, truthful moment opened floodgates of same-sex stories from guys in the class. Stories ranged from "I did things because I always wondered if others were shaped like mine" to "I did it because it made us laugh." Every guy telling such a story identified himself as straight, not gay or bisexual. The man still had tears rolling down his cheeks, but this time they were from a combination of laughter and relief from his conflict.
Let me further illustrate my point. An act is just an act; what you do doesn't always define who you are sexually. Gideon touched on this idea of what does and what doesn't make a man gay. I always tell the story of what might be called "situational homosexual acts." Let's say there is a man who is a true Kinsey 0: he's 100% straight in behavior, history, and fantasy. He's 20 years old but for whatever reason goes to prison for 25 years. 25 years is a long time to have no sexual outlets beyond masturbation, so rather than be basically asexual for 2 and a half decades, he decides to let an inmate give him oral sex once every couple of weeks. He fantasizes about an old girlfriend while it's happening. When his sentence is up, he returns back to his life before prison where he dates exclusively women, eventually marrying one. He never has any fantasy, thought, or physical contact with a man after he's out of prison. Is he gay? He'd tell you he isn't, and he'd be right.
Now, this "situational homosexual act" idea is not the same thing as a guy who has same-sex thoughts, fantasies, and behavior but just doesn't want to face fact that he may be gay. Denial is very different.
But in your case, Tony, enjoy your wife, enjoy your life, and certainly rest assured you're not alone in your experiences.
- XK
