It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
Maroon 5 - "She Will Be Loved"
I've just moved in with my boyfriend of 18 months. We basically lived together for months before this, but we finally made it official. He used to leave dishes in the sink and I'd kind of joke around with him about how it wouldn't work once I moved in. Guess what. It doesn't work now that I've moved in! It really bothers me and I've talked to him about it but he doesn't see it as that big of a deal. He told me that if it bothered me so much, that I should just to throw them in the dishwasher or something. What a sexist! I don't want to be his little Stepford wife. I'm starting to wonder if I made a mistake by moving in.
- Michele, San Mateo, CA
I'm failing to see how that's sexist.
I used to live with a partner who hated bees; she almost had an abnormal fear about them. The trouble was, her house was in an area that had more bees than anywhere I'd ever seen. I took it upon myself to play the bold exterminator. This wasn't because I am a man, but because she didn't want to do it, I cared for her, and it wasn't a problem. That's what you do for people you care about.
Wouldn't you load this...Of course, she had things she did for me too. She cleaned the mirrors in the bathroom because, not only did I not like doing it, I was actually terrible at it. 
...if he killed spiders from hell!?!? It took me ten times as long to do half the job she did. She was also better at vacuuming than me and folded shirts like she'd worked at The Gap. I had a certain talent for rearranging furniture and making the refrigerator look great. It worked for us.
More than almost anything, relationships are a give and take. If you're stuck on not giving because you think that doing dishes is sexist, you are in trouble. All successful relationships have many key ingredients, one of which is reciprocity. Two people who care for each other don't worry about historically stereotypical roles. They worry about what they can do for each other to make one another happy. Throwing a few dishes in the dishwasher is a small price to pay to keep things running smoothly.
- NK
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Natalie Merchant - "My Skin"
I met my boyfriend in college. We were together for the first few years but have been on and off the last year or so. I really don't know what to do. We're graduated now and I feel like I've grown up a little bit more than him. It's just a mess. He made me pay for dinner on my own birthday (because I got to pick the place), he won't let me highlight my hair (he thinks it draws too much attention from other boys to me), he comes into my house when I'm not home, he tells me I'm not as hot as certain porn stars, and so on. The thing is, I know it can work because I love him. I've seen it work.
- JT., Maine
I can't help you there. Nobody really can. What you've done is fall for someone who just can't love you back. We somehow think that everyone is capable of love, but it's like anything else: some are in better position to do it than others. There is certainly such a thing as emotional health, and it sounds to me like he's not healthy enough to be in a relationship with someone.
Almost all of us experience this at one time or another. I dated a girl for years who I always thought was "this close" to being just right for me. I thought if I could just get her to stop doing things that hurt me, she'd be perfect. And when I worked that out to my satisfaction, I could see that she kept doing really selfish things. When I'd rationalized that away somehow, I noticed that she lied all the time. And when I somehow cleared that out of the way, there was really nothing left to her. That's all she was: a selfish liar who didn't care who she hurt. I loved the thought of "us" but I realized that there was no "us" to speak of once our problems were stripped away.
For much too long, all I was doing was talking myself into looking past all those things and loving her, which was not only at the expense of logic, but also self-respect. Self-respect is so important in our development, no matter our age. I can only wonder where I'd be today if I hadn't wasted all my time trying to fix something that couldn't be fixed and talking myself into somebody.
So I, as well as probably everyone reading this, understand that your tendency is to want to save this kind of person. After all, you've seen it work so you know the good is in there somewhere, you've invested a lot of time into it, you may have had a high percentage of your sexual experiences with him, he has his good days, and so on. But if you want the truth, nobody will change just from you loving them. That's not love's nature. It's beautiful, it's fun, it's powerful and it's great, but it's not going to be an antivenin or panacea.
Stay with someone when you're in love with them. Not when you're in love with the idea of being in love with them.
- NK
I'll close my eyes
Then I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me
Bonnie Raitt - "I Can't Make You Love Me"
I have loved a guy for literally years. I've watched him date all these different women during that time and just sat by watching him make mistake after mistake. A few months ago I approached him with my feelings. Unfortunately, he didn't feel the same way. What was confusing is that he said he loved me, but not like that. What does that mean? Love is love, isn't it?
- A.S., Omaha, NE
No. There are all kinds of love.
Though it's not true, there is an old saying that Eskimos have something like 100 words for snow. Wet snow, icy snow, snow you can build with, snow that doesn't stick, etc. That's not too bad of an idea. We have a concept that's almost infinitely more complex - love - and we have one word for it. Are we talking about a romantic love between two partners? Do we mean a familial love between mother and son? Do we mean an appreciative love where someone has done something so incredibly meaningful for someone that the person feels eternally thankful, appreciates, and loves another? How about two friends who have known each other for years and have been through an immense amount together? There are almost as many types of love as there are combinations of people and their experiences.
You are certainly telling the truth when you say that you feel some kind of romantic love for this guy, but his disclosure of how he feels about you was just as truthful. I'm sure it hurt when you heard that he didn't feel the same way about you.
It takes a lot of courage to approach someone with your feelings, especially after being around him for all of these years without saying anything about it. But now you're going to have to decide if you want to focus on what you do have or focus on what you don't have. It sounds to me like the two of you are still close and he does care for you a great deal, just not in the way that you want him to.
If it's too painful for you to be close to someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings, then by all means do what you have to do to emotionally move on. But if you can accept the fact that it's difficult to find someone in this world that you care so much about and you're lucky to have done so, then appreciate what you have and communicate with him to find some sort of adjustment that works for the two of you. It's your choice.
- NK
