Do you think that nice guys finish last? I'm in college and was raised to be good to women, but it hasn't worked hardly at all. I've had a couple of girlfriends but they never really last. I almost always get put into the "Friend Zone" by them. I just can't imagine being an asshole just to get a girl. I don't even think I'd want a girl like that.
- Chad J., UMass
I'll agree with you that if you're looking for something serious then you wouldn't want to land a girl who likes you because you're an asshole. But I suppose it depends on what you mean by "nice" guys finishing last.
If you think "nice" means that you compliment them every 3 minutes, shower them with gifts, write them poems 2 days after you meet them, call 10 times a day, tell them you want them to meet your family after going out twice, and things like that, then that nice guy will probably finish last. But it's not because women don't want someone nice. It's because a guy like that just tried to make his life her life, and her life his life. That's not attractive, and not just to women. You'd hate it too. You can't have the mindset of "If a little niceness is good, then a lot of niceness is even better!" You can definitely go overboard with that.
See? Sensitive and a winnerBut you can definitely be "nice" and get women. Telling a woman that you had a good time meeting her for coffee is nice. Holding a door open for her is nice. Being on time when you go pick her up is nice. Sharing a laugh is nice.
If you're like most guys, your mother raised you to be a good husband - the ideal man as seen from her perspective - but not how to get a girl in the first place. There is nothing wrong with that, but you need to understand that they're two incredibly different things. Many of the things that are causing you to strike out with new girls will be fantastic to know how to do once you're in a deep, long-term relationship.
"Nice guys finish last" should be changed to "desperate wusses finish last." It's not that being nice is a bad thing, but when you come across as not having your own life, ideas, opinions or personality, there isn't much that seems like it's worth getting to know about you. If you have things that are intriguing, intangible, and possibly unobtainable about you, then you're definitely going to seem like you're worth getting to know more about.
Curiosity killed the cat, but it brings pussies to life.
- GR
I have a boyfriend that's driving me crazy! He says how hot he thinks I am, but he also does something else that I can't stand. This might sound immature, but I can't stand when he answers "yes" when I ask him if someone is attractive. He even said yes when I asked him if George Clooney (my favorite) was attractive. A guy who leaves me for some hotter girl (I'm pretty cute) or turns out to be gay is the last thing I need. Should I break up with him while I still can?
- C.B., Littleton, CO
You're right. That does sound immature.
Guess what, C.B. Out of the 6.5 billion people on the Earth, you're not the only attractive one of the bunch. The fact is, we're all doing our best to be attractive and sometimes it even works! You either need to realize that or move along - but for his sake, not yours.
Acknowledging the fact that someone else on the planet is attractive is totally fine, not something that should raise a red flag with you and this boyfriend of yours. Now, if he was saying things like, "You know who is hotter than you? Jessica Biel. You should upgrade your flat tits so they look like hers", then that's different. From what you've said here, it doesn't sound like he's rubbing anyone's beauty in your face, trying to compare you to anyone, or pointing out how you fall short. It does sound, however, like you're testing him and failing him over and over.
It is...And this whole thing where you think he's gay because he agrees with you that George Clooney is attractive is so ridiculous that it almost made me laugh out loud. Almost.
...what it isThere is a big difference between thinking someone is attractive and being attracted to them. I think Susan Sarandon looks great for her age, but I'm not attracted to her. I get why women have been swooning over Brad Pitt for decades, but I'm not personally attracted to him. When I'm in a relationship and see a woman who is as physically attractive (or -gasp- more physically attractive) than my partner, I don't freak out and feel like garbage because I'm betraying her. It doesn't mean I want to go do something about the fact that I think they're attractive. I silently acknowledge it to myself, if anything, and that's it. Yeah, she's hot. So? Yeah, she's cute. And? Who cares? Cute people exist. That's not new information.
I suggest you take a while and deal with whatever insecurities you have in your relationship. It'll put you in a much better position to deal with actual issues when they come up.
- GR
What do you think of Dr. Phil? Reading your stuff reminds me of him.
- McGraw Fan, Newton, IA
Ouch.
I've never been a fan of a purely hand-holding type of therapy where people are medicated and coddled to the point that they never have to make any decisions to improve their lives or make any changes. So, from that standpoint, I think it's great that he actually has the balls to tell people like it is. Life isn't easy and sometimes making the right move isn't either. I suppose sometimes people need to hear that in no certain terms.
But wow, is he clueless about sex and sexuality.
From what I've seen, anything that is a little crazier than chocolate body paint gets absolutely lambasted by Dr. Phil. He doesn't seem to realize that it's not the end of the world just because a man might like to have something in his sex life on occasion that isn't part of an All My Children script. A lot of times, he brings on these fools (and I mean that literally - you have to be absolutely foolish to think, "Sure, I'd love to go on there and defend my occasional behavior to this guy with no perspective and a crowd full of his minions!") and lets them know just who is the least popular person in the room.
At the end of the day, he's a celebrity and he is on TV to make himself famous and to make money for himself and networks. Doing the right thing rarely makes one rich or famous. 
An audience of these...When you have a crowd full of women (including your wife) and millions more watching on TV every day, nothing makes them get behind you quite like blasting some poor guy whose wife certainly appears upset by all the teary scenes they've edited together. Calling him a slime? That's just a bonus. Who even uses that word nowadays? Slime!
...mixed with theseHis show is one-sided on purpose; it's not about doing the right, sensible thing (as we try to promote on this site). Nothing would make that show flop faster than Dr. Phil saying, "You know, that's a good point - I've never though about it that way. I can see that."
Sadly, it's such daily propagations (to millions and millions of people) of negative attitudes toward alternate lifestyles that begin to shift perception among the masses. Just because of the sheer numbers involved, almost no matter how foolish of a thing someone like Dr. Phil might say or do, it starts to become somewhat of a reality as far as how people fear it and react to it.
Hopefully someone will do a show - just one show - about how the occasional crossing over into the "unusual" isn't grounds for divorce, isn't something to be ashamed of, and isn't a deal-breaker. Instead, they'd provide information about it from those that actually know about living that life. They'd give resources. They'd ease worries about what is "normal."
Wouldn't that be ideal?
- GR
