She rests her hand along
The space between my neckline and my back
I can feel her fingers running through the feelings
I didn't think I had
Like maybe this road we're on
Is the very thing that's come between us
Maybe it's the highway
To the very place that might just save us
Seven Mary Three - "Each Little Mystery"
All my relationships with guys change over time. Which is more important in the long run? Spark and passion or comfort and dependability?
- T.B., Atlanta, GA
There is an evolution in every lasting relationship. Typically, when we are with someone new, we know so little about them that we can't wait to fill in all the gaps that are natural for two people to have at the beginning. How do they kiss? What is their best memory of their childhood? What is their shower routine? How do they taste? Where did they learn to tie their shoes in a different way than you? What inspires them?
The filling of the chasm between two personalities is exciting - it's often full of passion and desire and can awaken emotions you weren't even aware you carried around inside. This excitement is felt through your whole mind and body and can lead to some frequently amazing mental discoveries as well as frequently amazing bouts of physical love.
Over time, as the gaps become more and more filled in, we perceive this as comfort and dependability. After all, we know many of the things we didn't know before. The question of "Who are they" has been slowly replaced by the statement of "This is who they are." It's not that we care less for them; we just usually care for them in a different way. This is also a great feeling. We have that familiar face to come home to at night. We have someone who understands the little things like how we're probably just cranky because we haven't eaten in a while. We have someone who believes in us. We have someone that helps us reach our goals. We have someone that we can be proud of.
However, most of the time, we don't see what we've gained. We see what we've lost: the passion. The spark. And we liked that passion and aren't happy that it's not as abundant as it used to be. What good is having your cake if you can't eat it, right?
So what's the fix? Most of the time, I hear people suggesting "keeping it new." This might be a weekend getaway, a trip without the kids, trying a new sexual position, having a specific night of the week where you go on a date, and so forth. These are good ideas, but if you fail to realize the most important thing, those are just band-aids and won't solve anything. First you have to realize that the sparks aren't going to come from where they used to. For the most part, when it comes to your partner, the unknown is now known. But realize this: your passion can be felt because of the comfort and dependability you have with your partner. Isn't there something incredibly stirring about someone who is always there for you, laughs at your jokes, supports your decisions, and knows you inside and out? If your endless appreciation for someone and their mutual appreciation for you doesn't arouse something inside of you, I don't know what will.
If you've found the right person, I'm about to tell you something you already know. Both passion and comfort are important. It's not a trade-off; it's a balance and appreciation for both.
- NK
When something goes right
Well it's likely to lose me
It's apt to confuse me
It's such an unusual sight
Oh, I can't get used to something so right
Something so right
Paul Simon - "Something So Right"
I like to think of myself as a monogamous guy but I can't seem to make my relationships work. Usually, either I am not physically attracted to guys I'm mentally attracted to or not mentally attracted to guys I'm physically attracted to. And when I meet a guy where I'm a little bit attracted to him both ways, something is missing there too. I've only had two relationships that lasted longer than 6 months and I'm not sure how to keep them going. Eventually one or both parts of the relationship fades. Is that typical?
- Howard T., UK
Well, I'm going to put forward that there are actually four equally important, basic parts between two people that make a relationship last: the physical connection, the mental connection, the emotional connection, and the connection that can't quite be defined by either of those three. We usually call that one "chemistry."
The physical connection needs little explaining. It's fantastic to be physically drawn to your partner and can stir passion in you for a very long time. It might lead to sex; it might not. You can even find beauty in something your partner feels is a flaw. However, if there is nothing beyond the physical connection, the relationship is doomed, as you have found out.
The mental connection is basically traveling down the same path with your partner. You understand each other, and you have similar values, goals, and needs. Your partnership exists for the same purpose, whatever that purpose may be.
The third connection, the emotional connection, is probably the least universal set of feelings from couple to couple. Some couples connect more with their mutual experiences than others, some connect more spiritually than others, some connect more intellectually than others, and so on. But whatever the case, you trust them with your vulnerabilities and putting your heart in their hands. You feel loved. You feel that the person fills in where you lack and vice-versa. You balance each other out in some unique way.
Chemistry is the hardest one to define, but you know it when you feel it. You know right away that there is something about a person that creates a connection between the two of you and it has nothing to do with how they look or even what they say.
So how does all this work in keeping relationships going? Well, certainly it'd be great to have these items in perfect balance at all times, but that isn't what happens. Each part is fluid; normally, you feel one or two of the parts more than the others. You might have a high physical connection during a weekend getaway from the stress of daily life that leads to you not even thinking much of your mental connection. You might have a strong emotional connection during a death in the family - at the expense of your physical feelings. Nothing disappears; it just shifts back and forth as situations present themselves and time goes by.
So to answer your question whether things fading is typical - yes, it is. It's typical when you're not with the right person. When you've found the right person, you realize some things. You realize that you will be attracted to them an incredible amount at times and less at other times. You realize that you will feel different levels of emotional closeness. You realize that your values will clash at times and be in perfect harmony other times. You realize that when they change over time, you can change too and your chemistry will follow.
And that's all okay. That's all of you. And it's how you last.
- NK
If it weren't for your maturity
None of this would have happened
Alanis Morissette - "Hands Clean"
I am not sure where to go to meet girls to date but have found bars to eventually be the easiest. But part of me feels like going to a bar is a waste of time because I'm not convinced girls actually want me to approach them. What are some good things to say to them so I don't have to have a bunch of drinks to get my courage up?
- L. Davis, Elmont, NY
I'm not going to give you any cliche lines to feed a woman. They deserve more respect and imagination than that.
Men make this all too hard. I'm well aware of what it feels like to take that lonely walk across the room into a situation where you have no idea what will happen. It could go well or it could be a total disaster. Most men don't like to take that chance. But if you are at a bar to have something happen, it's just like the rest of life: you have to make it happen. I say this with all due respect to women, but men need to stop giving women so much power in these situations. Believe (and act like) you are equals and you'll fare much better.
I think the most important thing in making this work for you is intent. Just ask yourself what your intent is.
Start a conversation
before 5 of theseIf your intent is to meet someone to get to know...if your intent is to make her smile...if your intent is to have a good time talking to her...if your intent is to see if you have chemistry...then isn't this easy? It's just having a conversation while being sincere, not smarmy. You need to remember that women are at bars to be social at some level. Maybe they didn't necessarily come to meet someone to date, but not many women are totally against having a conversation. Even if they are one of those few, who cares? Would you really want to date a girl that was going to a bar and against having even a basic conversation with someone? No. Just talk to some, feel it out, and see how it goes. They won't all be what you hoped, but that's just the nature of dating; not everyone is for you.
But if your intent is to trick her into thinking you're someone you're not and follow that trick up with getting her into bed, you're not only going to fail, but you're probably on track to being a failure.
- NK
