If the angels are unkind and the season is dark
If in the end true love just falls apart
Well then, here's to our destruction
Bruce Springsteen - "Soul Driver"
If I look around, I really seem to have it all. I have a supportive family, great friends, a job I love, and a girlfriend that I truly know I could never find someone more perfect for me than she is. However, I seem to always find a way to mess things up in my life, especially with her. I treat my friends and family bad on purpose sometimes just to test their love and loyalty. I don't perform 100% at my job just to see what they'll do about it. But the reason I'm writing in is about my girlfriend. I've cheated on her a lot of times and after each time I think, "What in the hell am I doing?!?!?" The girls I cheat with are not half the woman she is, but I do it anyway. I think I have a subconscious desire to sabotage my life. What should I do? Am I a sex addict?
- Shaun D., NY
I don't believe you're a sex addict (in fact, I'm not convinced they really exist, but that's for another article). However, you do seem to have a problem with making choices that ultimately lead to a satisfying life.
What most people realize as they travel through life is that we each hold many things inside of us. As you are learning, we certainly carry the seeds of our own destruction. We almost seemed doomed at times to plant those seeds and sometimes even harvest their crops over and over, don't we? We've all done countless things that we know we shouldn't do, both before and after the fact.
But just as that's very true, we also carry inside us the guide to get out of the trouble we get ourselves in. So somewhere inside, you already know the way out of the holes you dig.
In your case, the first few things you mentioned are easy fixes. Love and loyalty from your friends don't need tested to validate them. They exist, whether you believe in them, see them, remember them, or not. Just the fact that you can admit it to me and many readers shows me that you have enough moral fiber to admit to them that you are aware of what you do and to help point it out to you when you do it. Over time, those who you care about will help you become - and respect you for being - a better man. There is nothing wrong with a man who can admit that he wants assistance in growing into a better person. We all do.
And if you can't stop? Sometimes consequence is the greatest teacher of all. You don't put your hand on a hot stove because you know the consequence outweighs the reason you're doing it. You don't drive 100 miles an hour in a school zone because you know the consequence outweighs the reason you're doing it. Eventually, when consequence outweighs the reason you're cheating on your girlfriend, you will stop. Unfortunately, that will probably be long after she's lost trust and respect for you and likely walked out of your life.
You have to ask yourself if this is what you're doing to the person you believe is the best one for you. Is there anyone you wouldn't do it to? If not, then you are going to be planting those same seeds, time and time again.
It's difficult to make your life perfect. It's easy to mess it up.
- NK
And too much is how I love you
But too well is how I know you
And I've got nothing to prove this time
Just something to show you
I guess I just wanted you to see
That it was all worth it to me
Ani DiFranco - "Hour Follows Hour"
I just broke up with my girlfriend whom I had dated for 10 months. I suppose I should be sad and upset but I look at our relationship as a success even though it ended. I'm a better person, regardless. Is that normal or am I just heartless?
- Alex, Boston, MA
It doesn't really matter if it's normal, but you're on to something important here. Too often we see long-term liaisons, specifically marriage, as the goal of relationships. We associate the ending of relationships as some kind of failure or falling short of the ultimate goal of being together forever.
What's wrong with just
enjoying yourself?I look at it another way, and it sounds like you are on somewhat of the same page here. Every relationship we enter is an opportunity to love, fight and make up, risk, learn about yourself, learn about another person, get better at relationships, make memories, laugh, and grow as a person. Why aren't those good enough reasons to be in a relationship, whether it ends after 3 months or even 3 years?
If you look at marriage (or being with someone for the rest of your life) as the ultimate goal of relationship, then you will only "win" one relationship. Maximum. That sounds rather bleak to me.
Good for you that you look at your relationship and what you got out of it as an achievement, despite the fact that it's over. We should all be so insightful.
- NK
With no secrets, no obsession
This time I'm speeding with no direction
Without a reason, what is this fire
Burning slowly, my one and only
Desire
Ryan Adams - "Desire"
After almost 15 years, I left my wife so I could be with the man who is now my boyfriend. He and I have been together for quite some time now but I'm not really sure he's the one for me. I'm gay but part of me wants to reconcile things with my wife since it didn't work out with him. How much longer do I give him before I give her a call?
- N.T., San Diego, CA
First, let me congratulate you on making such a bold decision despite how difficult it must have been. There are countless men and women "living the lie" that you were living. Hopefully they have your courage and make the best decision for their lives.
Now, I am sure that the life you lived with your wife had a certain level of social comfort. You also likely experienced internal conflict in your life at that time. Life after your decision to leave your wife hasn't automatically been what you thought it might be, but that doesn't mean you made the wrong choice. I think you're overlooking something important here: you didn't leave your wife because of this specific man you met; you left her because you're gay! 
The freedom of your new lifeHe may have been the medium in which you found the strength and rationale to do it, but that may have been it.
You've been out of the dating world for a long time, so you might not remember this - it's tough. Finding someone to be with long-term is difficult for nearly everyone. However, even if you end your relationship with your current partner, you're still far better off than you were.
If you don't believe your current partner is the one for you, my suggestion is that you end that relationship and take some time to get to know the new you. You're likely in your 40s or 50s and are just getting started in your journey as a gay male. Take some time to get to know who you are and when you're ready to extend yourself into a relationship, try it out. Date, have fun, and best of luck!
- NK
