The physical overcoming the mental
It seems that when my girlfriend and I get in a fight, the sex we have afterwards is some of our best. Why is that?
- L.P., St. Paul, MN
There are a couple of reasons for this, though one is a much larger piece of the puzzle.
Firstly, after there is a huge conflict between two people where they are both pulling out all the stops, there is a change in their physiological state. Their blood flow has increased, there may be some muscular contraction, increased heart rate, central nervous system stimulation, etc. This sort of reaction is very similar to what your body goes through during a sexual act, so the gap isn't too hard to jump, just in a physical sense.
More importantly, after a disagreement, there is an emotional chasm created as well as a certain loss of the closeness between you and your partner. The make-up sex you have is a physical demonstration of reconciliation between the two of you. It's also how you rediscover that which is temporarily lost in your partner during the emotional distance you are experiencing.
This is all totally normal and widely reported, but you have to be careful that this does not become too frequent in your relationships. If the closeness you feel with your partner primarily comes from after you have a recognized emotional separation, it can be risky and potentially damaging. You don't want to be in a situation where one or both of you love to argue and fight just because of how you eventually feel at the end of the process. Destroying something just for the sake of rebuilding it is a poor idea.
- XK
I've been dating my boyfriend for a few months now and refuse to go down on him. I've never gone down on any guy. Giving a blow job is degrading to a woman and I won't do it. If you write back to me, can you let him know that men and women aren't treated the same way so going down on a woman is ok but going down on a man is vulgar and degrading? Couples just shouldn't do that (or a lot of other things I hear about)! It's just wrong!
- Gloria M., L.A. area
I am not sure I agree with you that there are any legal, non-exploitative sexual acts that are, by themselves, perverse or degrading. The reason people see certain things as perverse or degrading is because they're running it through their own personal set of moral filters. We all have our lines that we choose not to cross, whether it's because of a deeply-rooted belief, a lack of interest in a certain activity, or something in-between the two. So, the tendency is for us to say that anything on the other side of our personal line is perverse, degrading, or "wrong" in some other sense.
I see your email as two concepts which, though related, can be separated into:
- Are there any sexual acts that are, by their nature, inherently degrading?
- Are there any sexual acts that should not be carried out by two consenting adults?
The first issue comes down to intent. Intent is the evidence we use to set in motion our moral evaluation and eventual judgment of acts between people. For example, someone who accidentally spills a cup of water in your lap is not held to the same moral standards as someone who deliberately comes up to you, looks you right in the eye, and dumps that same cup of water on your lap. Though the end result is the same, the intent is totally different. This is plainly recognized.
Oral sex, anal sex, vaginal sex, intercrural sex (sex between your partner's legs), and even kissing can be made to be degrading. If the intent was to degrade and not part of the agreement between the partners, then it certainly accomplishes becomes something that is a demeaning act.
The second issue listed above can best be looked at like this:
Scenario 1) A man who loves to be sensitively touched and told how much he is adored during a love-making session would generally not be considered perverse or to be engaging in a degrading act. It's easy to see that what he's saying is, "I'm a unique being with my own desires and wishes. Here they are. I trust you with them and I would like you to honor them and treat me as a person."
Scenario 2) Two people who are in a hot, lusty moment and can't wait to get in the door to tear each other's clothes off are each also saying, "I'm a unique being with my own desires and wishes. Here they are. I trust you with them and I would like you to honor them and treat me as a person." It's a different set of circumstances, but the flag they are each flying says the same as the man I previously mentioned.
Scenario 3) A man who likes to have another person urinate in his mouth is also saying, "I'm a unique being with my own desires and wishes. Here they are. I trust you with them and I would like you to honor them and treat me as a person." Besides the act itself, there is no difference in this example, either. All three scenarios recognize desire and fulfillment of that desire.
Scenario 4) Recombining your email's two ideas, a man who likes to be told how worthless he is, be spat upon, be verbally accosted for hours, and never allowed to orgasm during the session is also saying, "I'm a unique being with my own desires and wishes. Here they are. I trust you with them and I would like you to honor them and treat me as a person." This one seems a little contradictory at first, but by requesting degradation and having it performed, his sexuality is honored and respected per his lover carrying out his request.
With all four examples, it is important to observe and understand that there is no line that can be drawn at any point in the continuum where we can say, "Ok, here is where it becomes perverse." Since that distinction can not be made, we realize that all sex acts, no matter what the acts might be, are created equal in the sense that they are fulfilling and validating to those that engage in them, and that is all that ultimately matters.
It might not be your thing, Gloria, but that certainly doesn't make it perverse or "wrong" for someone to do.
- XK
I'm 26 and single. I admit my dating life has been less than great lately, but I'm attractive and smart and just chalking it up to being picky. While I only want to date men, I find it is hard for me to masturbate to anything but women. I enjoy watching girl on girl, but when I watch girl on guy [porn] I find myself only watching her. 
Fantasize about this? So?The fantasy of being with another woman is completely arousing and it is almost the only image to which I masturbate. Is this normal for other girls my age? Sometimes I feel dirty and paranoid that other young women don't have these fantasies and it worries me. It also makes me doubt the fact that I love men, which I do. I would never want to be in a relationship with another [woman], but I fear fantasizing about them will interfere with my sex life with men and make me less [attracted] to them. I've found it is harder to orgasm with a man in person than it is when I masturbate to a woman in private. How can I change this?
- Lacy, Destin, FL
Change it?
Don't change something that works for you. There's absolutely nothing abnormal about this.
Masturbation is usually the place where people freely and openly explore their fantasies. This is important because sometimes there are hints about who you are as a sexual being and what you may enjoy with an actual lover. Other times, they have nothing to do with your actual life and are only enjoyable to you in the area of fantasy.
One of the great things about fantasies is their safety. In your case, you can place yourself in a fantasy that you might not consider in your actual life because you and your fantasy partner(s) are safe from harm. There is not a problem with a conservative family not understanding what their daughter is doing, no problem with friends asking you why you simply don't only like males like they do, or any other groundless societal judgment.
You likely won't be less attracted to men, but even if you are, would that be a concern? If you'd be following your natural path, then you would certainly have nothing to worry about or see as problematic.
- XK
