If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Sarah McLachlan - "Full of Grace"
I've been married for 23 years now and I've had the same argument with my husband for our entire marriage. Whenever I want him to do something that he doesn't really want to do, I withhold sex from him until he does it. If I want him to be more romantic, be more considerate, pay more attention to me, etc., I withhold sex. I don't really care if it takes me kicking him out onto the couch. He says it's unfair for me to do all this, but I tell him, "I want something and I'm not getting it, and you want something and you're not getting it." That's as fair as it gets! He came across your site and insisted that I write in about this.
- Ella S., Aurora, CO
Well, Ella, I wish I could tell you that I see where you're coming from, but I don't. I'm shocked at how often I see sex and emotions used as a currency between two people who apparently care about each other.
There is nothing wrong with communicating to your partner that you wish he/she could be more romantic, considerate, affectionate, or any other thing you feel as if you're missing. However, to play the game of "I'm going to get what I want or else…" is rather juvenile as well as controlling, and can be handled in different - and better - ways.
Perhaps you'd be better served by revealing to your partner how you felt during the times he was fulfilling your emotional needs. 
Stop that...and start thisExplain how important it made you feel and how close you felt at that time, not just emotionally, but physically as well. What I guess will happen is that he will probably notice - and if he doesn't, you may mention it - that at those times, your physical life also flourished. I also suspect that once he isn't locked into the "sex is only a reward" struggle with you anymore, you both shall grow together, sexually and emotionally.
Sex and love are both rewards of believing in something greater than yourself, but they are not rewards in the same sense you reward a dog for doing a new trick. That is an important difference. Once anything becomes an ultimatum, consequence, duty, or reward system between two people, there will be trouble. It's no surprise that you've been arguing about this for 23 years.
Stop it.
- NK
I have only just met an old, old friend
We've been walking around holding hands
I hope someday he can bend as far as it takes to understand
And risk breaking open again
Ani DiFranco - "Served Faithfully"
I know my boyfriend has been in some painful relationships in the past. Everyone has their past and it almost always contains some kind of painful relationship but most of us move on. He talks about past experiences in his life and some include his old girlfriend. He talks about her almost in passing, but it really bothers me. It doesn't bother me because I think it's rude to talk about an ex. It bothers me because I'm jealous since I can tell he doesn't feel that way about me. After many hours of me breaking him down, we finally talked about it. He told me that he loves me, but that's "just not where he's at" right now. I'm happy in our relationship otherwise but I'm not sure what to do.
- J.W., Michigan
I have a small scar in the palm of my left hand. I didn't purposely put it there, but it happened. I suppose that ultimately, it's there because I was too reckless at the time. Though the actual calendar years suggest otherwise, I was much younger then. Those sorts of things seemed to occur almost as if they somehow knew I'd only notice them in hindsight.
I can say the same thing emotionally. And can't we all? Though the term "mental scars" is thrown around here and there, if you stop and think about it, it's a lot more valid than you may have given it credit for. There was a specific instance when I hurt my hand and, since that moment, it has never been the same again. There have been specific times where my heart and center were hurt, and after those moments, they too will never be the same again.
In a great compliment to the resiliency of the human spirit, we will always find a way to move on. Any roadblocks that your mind can run into, it can work around. The catch is when problems arise as the price to be paid for this series of events. It sounds to me like the price your boyfriend has paid is a certain level of emotional intimacy with his future partners - in this case, you.
The bad news for me is that physical scars will always be there. The good news for you is that his mental scars may not be. There are some we can work through, struggle past, and in the end become a greater, more complete human being through.
You have to respect what he went through. I'm not for "breaking anyone down" but if you want to express your concerns to your boyfriend, you may want to calmly explain to him that you struggle with the fact that you feel as if you aren't as close to him as his ex was. If he feels that you may someday be that person to him as he works on breaking down the barriers he's formed, you can make a choice. You can either wait for that day where he's able to open up and love the idea of fully loving someone again, or you can move on to someone who will.
- NK
And soon enough, soon enough
This will all be a memory
And soon enough, soon enough
This will fade like the photograph
Of you and me
Tom McRae - "Human Remains"
I've been seeing a new guy for about two weeks. He's a friend of the family and my best friend is dating his best friend. About a week ago I thought, "I really want to end this relationship." He's a nice guy and I like that, but he is a terrible kisser and I don't feel any kind of spark when we are around each other. I don't want to cause a bunch of drama with my family or my friend and her boyfriend. What do I do? Will it get better?
- Leisha J., Greenville, SC
Sorry, but it's over
I tell everyone the same thing: when you know it's not right for you, end it. There is no sense in postponing the inevitable if you know it's not what you're looking for.
It is understandable that you don't want to upset your friends and family, but you need to do what is best for you. You don't wear your hair in a certain way for your friends and family. You don't listen to certain music for your friends and family. Why would you be in a relationship for them? Something that requires as much effort, energy, and devotion as a relationship should be entirely your choice. If it's not working for you, gracefully end the relationship and move forward.
If you don't have any chemistry with someone after one week, you can't imagine it'll become something long-term.
- NK
