This isn't quite the same...
I've had a girlfriend here and there for short periods of time, but my real love is my computer. It doesn't need me to talk to it, I can pay attention to it at my discretion, it's just the way I want it, doesn't need me to buy it dinners, and I can even sit there stinky in my underwear for hours at a time and it doesn't complain. Why would I want to compromise?
- 1337, World Wide
Well, you forgot these:
...and this won't
get you anywhere
- Computers are much easier to turn on than a woman.
- A computer's buttons are easy to find, you know just what they do, and if you accidentally push too hard on them, it doesn't complain.
- A computer doesn't tell you how great its other uses were.
- With computers, you can look through windows all you want and never get arrested.
- The viruses you get on a computer pale in comparison to the viruses you get fr...never mind that one.
- You are in control of the games you play on a computer.
- You can work on two or three computers at once and the other computers never find out.
- Computers are easy to mute.
- Wallpapering is so much easier with a computer.
- DNS is better than PMS.
- A computer wants to be used and would never write "Asshole" on your car in lipstick after you've told it time and time again that you weren't looking for a relationship and just trying to have some fun. Sure, you thought you had an understanding and she said she was on the same page as you, but why did it have to be her best friend and why did you have to do it right in front of her, on tape, at her own birthday par...wait, never mind that one too.
- A computer corrects your grammar, but not in front of your friends.
- If your session only lasts 2 minutes on a computer, oh well.
I appreciate computers as much as the next guy; I write for a website, for hell's sake. But if you think that a computer, computer games, chat rooms, or a webcam can replace having a partner, you're a n00b when it comes to reality.
Why would you want to compromise? You don't think it's a compromise to masturbate so many times into the same happy-rag that it's painful to clean up with? If your hand is almost transparent, it's already a compromise, my friend.
And don't hack this site!
- GR
I'm in my third year in college and I don't know when it started but I'll tell you what drives me crazy...girls kissing other girls just to impress guys! These girls are such fake bitches! I know for a fact they don't even like other women! What is this shit?
- Jackie M., Portland, OR
Nothing ever changes!
I'm with you, Jackie. These girls are "socially bisexual" in the sense of "I'm bisexual only when it makes me look great and interesting in front of a bunch of guys!" I've heard them refer to themselves as bisexuals because they've had physical contact with a girl, but let me tell you something. When you would never consider a relationship with a woman and your only physical interactions with other women come at a frat party after 3 cosmos, 5 Jager Bombs, 15 dares, and 9 chants of "Do it! Do it! Do it!" then you're not bisexual. You're ridiculous.
And when in the hell did guys just start carrying around camcorders as commonly as they carry their wallets? More guys have cameras now than have jobs. Guys are on permanent spring break now or something – as soon as two girls get their lips within six inches of each other, out come 38 cameras to capture it and post it to the delight of millions on the internet.
Much to the dismay of men all around campuses everywhere, 99% of the women you see making out with each other in front of you will not join you in bed as a couple. So you'd better put that captured footage into the VCR and put it on repeat because that's as close as you're going to get, buddy.
Isn't being a girl enough to get a guy's attention anymore? It's worked this way since the beginning of time. What the hell?
- GR
My girlfriend and I have a rabbit [vibrator] and are IN LOVE with it. Our problem is that we go through batteries so quickly. What can we do to make them last longer? Which are the best for our new friend?
- Heather B., Reno, NV
Ah yes, the rabbit. Everyone's darling.
Nothing but the best
for this favoriteWell, first and foremost, you want to stay away from the kinds of batteries that come with electronics; those cheap batteries are...well, cheap. Really, it comes down to which is better between the copper top and the battery that keeps going and going and going.
Energizer batteries are generally made for items that are turned on and left on, such as a clock, smoke detector, etc. Duracell batteries commonly last longer in "stop and go" devices – devices that are turned on for a while then turned off for a while. They last a bit longer in devices like flash lights, CD players, and so forth.
So if you're going for an all-nighter where you won't be turning it off for hours and hours, you should go with Energizer. If you're using it how most people do, Duracell is your best bet.
- GR
