My boyfriend and I basically live together and we have an outstanding sex life. In fact, it's the best I've ever had. But one thing that bothers me is when he looks at porno without me. I like watching it together, but I don't like it when he does it without me. 
That's no way to treat a Playboy!We go to work at different times, so I know he does it when I leave. I have even looked through my computer so I know when he does it and what he's looking at. I've said something to him about it, but he tells me that he isn't attracted to me less or anything and I'm not being replaced. I feel like I should be his #1 priority when it comes to sex and I don't feel like I am. How can I get him to stop?
- Carolina B., Oakland, CA
You want him to stop? I think you need to understand some things. First, people are different, especially sexually. Just because you might handle something one way doesn't mean everyone else will handle it that same way. Secondly, as humans, we have many sexual outlets, all of which are personal to us. Let him enjoy his, whatever they may be, and you enjoy yours. You just can't (and shouldn't) control your boyfriend's sexuality - it's his own, and he can masturbate to whatever he wants as much as he wants. And frankly, his alone time is none of your business. The same goes for you; you have the same rights and if he tried to interfere with those, it would be a problem then too.
So what it comes down to is if it's truly a threat to you or not. You say that you want to be his #1 priority when it comes to sex, and it sounds to me like that is indeed the case. You mentioned that you have an outstanding sex life, so it doesn't appear that you're being neglected or that you two don't take care of each other in a sexual way.
Be secure in your relationship. And stop snooping. Write me when your issue is "My sex life is really suffering because of my boyfriend's preference of pornography over me." Until then, enjoy how great you seem to have it. You're complaining about the best sex you've ever had!
- XK
My anxiety concerning my performance during [sex] is so high that I'm starting to hate even the thought about being with my partner. He's a wonderful man, I love him very much, and he has nothing to do with my problem. I had [the same problem] long before he came along. I'm not as young as I used to be and it's not that easy for me to even get an erection. I'm currently in therapy working on removing anxiety from my life forever. I want my erections back! Do you have any tips?
- Michael J., Milwaukee, WI
The only tip I feel I should give you is not to completely remove anxiety from your life. To do so may fix your performance issues - which likely have very little to do with your age - but will also rob you of the richness the right kind of anxiety can bring.
Anxiety is a very interesting emotion when it comes to sexual matters. On one hand, as you have reported, it can be destructive if you're so worried about being able to please someone that you can't get an erection. Your partner saying, "I can't wait to be with you tonight" may be meant to be a sweet, sexual advance. Yet if you worry all day about how your performance will be when the time comes, it will likely yield disastrous results, possibly including difficulties getting an erection.
You'll love it when you get over thisHowever, feeling amounts of anxiety during the course of a sexual act can be a very positive, rewarding experience. People who have some harmless fun with a risk of getting caught by others report some of their hottest, most passionate sex. A partner being dominated may feel very vulnerable and anxious due to the circumstances, but may revel in the fact that they are the object of their lover's complete affection. And the partner doing the dominating may feel anxiety from the pressure to please their partner, to maintain in control of the situation, and being responsible for a mutually pleasurable outcome. Yet they may take great satisfaction when they successfully uphold that responsibility.
There is a line in a movies that says, "There is a peace that can only be found on the other side of war." Similarly, there is a security that can only be found on the other side of anxiety. Only in triumphing over those anxious moments, large or small, will you be able to feel that wonderful, specific kind of achievement. If you've chosen a good sexual therapist who gets you to focus not on the potential failures you my face, but rather the pleasures you will experience, you'll soon know that feeling.
- XK
I'm 42 and my girlfriend is 39. We're both attractive and physically fit and have a wonderful sex life. As much as I love her, am attracted to her and want to have sex with her only, I frequently find myself with the fantasy of being there, watching her having sex with another man. Contrary to my upbringing, that is an incredible turn on for me! I've brought up the idea of a threesome with another man, and I believe that she thought I was trying to test her loyalty and she told me that she was devoted to me. I guess my question is two-fold. Why might this idea be turning me on so much? And what can I do to let her know I want to pursue this?
- J.T., Plano, TX
This isn't an uncommon fantasy. If you were insecure in your relationship or your sexual ability, you might be just the opposite way - jealous, possessive, and maybe upset if another guy came into the picture and threatened your relationship or its stability in any way. It doesn't sound like that's the case here, though, so this doesn't surprise me.
If you think about it, in today's society, there are not many types of permissions out there that are greater or more significant than giving your lover permission to be sexual with another person. In this case, you're even going a little beyond that since you will be in the same room or bed! So that permission in itself may be giving you some kind of reassurance concerning the stability of your relationship. You may feel that sex does not have to be, but at times can be, just a physical act and that there is much more that keeps people together than being monogamous. But as a side note to everyone else out there, it doesn't mean that those who aren't willing to do this do not have secure relationships. With all the billions of people combinations that make up relationships, each relationship is different in some way. For some people it works, for some people it doesn't.
As for how to approach this with her, it's going to come down to what it always comes down to - good communication. If you already have a strong relationship, then you probably have some good idea as to how to communicate with her. Maybe express what you're feeling about the situation, explain your fantasies, and that you are secure enough in your relationship to know that it would not become an issue. Here's the catch, though: just as it is your right to have this fantasy, it as just as much her right to not participate in it. She may not want to be shared; she may not have been trying to pass a test when she told you she was devoted and interested in only you. She may want to be a one-man woman and want you to ask that of her too.
- XK
