Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
U2 - "One"
I'm pretty shy and haven't been in a lot of relationships yet. Okay, zero. So I'm not blindsided by every single thing in the future, answer a question for me. What might I have not thought about?
- K.T., University of IL
If you do nearly 100% of things right, if you help that person become a better person, if you're a great match with them, if you get along, if you challenge them, if you believe in them, if you're romantic, if you're a good listener, if you're fun, if you're smart, if you have a future, if you're mature, if you're honest, if you're the best person you can be, if you're everything they are looking for in a person...it doesn't necessarily mean anything. You can be the best person you possibly know how to be and it simply might not matter. They might call you the next day and tell you that they've decided to do something else with their life that doesn't include you or chosen someone else over you entirely. They might choose to be with someone who is a fraction of the person you are. I think that's the most surprising thing I've learned.
- NK
And here ain't nothing like regret
To remind you you're alive
Cheryl Crow - "The Difficult Kind"
I just found out that my girlfriend of three years was a lot more sexually experimental before we met than I'd originally thought. We're both nearing 30 and I've been thinking that she was "the one" but now I'm not so sure. She did all these sex things in college that I would never have expected her to have done, particularly with this one guy. I'm pissed! I told her I needed some time away to think. What do I do? I'm thinking I should end our relationship.
- Will T., Austin, TX
If you were thinking she was "the one" before you found this out, get back with her immediately. Immediately. All that stuff that happened came before she even knew you were on Earth. I could try to explain this more myself, but it would likely fall short of the story Silent Bob tells Holden in the movie Chasing Amy.
Silent Bob: So there's me and Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in and I ask about the ex-boyfriend, which, as we all know, is a really dumb move, but you know how it is - you don't want to know, but you just have to know, right? Stupid guy bullshit. So anyway she starts telling me about him - how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple years, and how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple times, while they were going out, he brought some people to bed with them. Menage-a-trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I'm not used to this sort of thing. I mean, I was raised Catholic, for God's sakes...So I'm totally weirded out by this, right, and just start blasting her. Like I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling so I figure the best way is by calling her "slut," right? Telling her she was used. I'm out for blood; I really want to hurt this girl. I'm like, "What the fuck is your problem," right? And she's just all calmly trying to tell me like it was that time, it was that place, and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. I'm like, "Oh really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye - I tell her it's over. I walk.
Jay: Fuckin'-A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her; I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that. Know what I'm saying? But what I did not get: she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me – for the Bob. But by the time I figured this all out, it was too late, man. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl; I know that now. But, I pushed her away. So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...so to speak.
We all have a past, Will. It matters what people do after they meet you, not before.
- NK
Come away with me
And we'll kiss on a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you
Norah Jones - "Come Away With Me"
Why do all these sex and relationship websites talk about sex as if love doesn't matter? Haven't you ever been in love and not worried about sex? There is love without sex, you know.
- G.N., Biloxi, MS
Is there? Of course love matters; one third of this site is devoted to love and relationships. However, to believe that sexuality is separate from love is a mistake. 
All roads lead to...I believe there can be sex without romantic love, but not the other way around.
Most of us can recognize that there are many situations full of lusty desires that have very little to do with romantic love. Fantasizing about a famous celebrity, watching exotic dancers, prostitution, one-night stands, watching pornography, and having a "fuck buddy" have practically nothing to do with being in romantic love with a person. However, each is performed every day with positive results for those involved. Lust is a perfectly normal emotion to feel, not one to be feared, but it gets a bad reputation because it cares very little of love and romance.
Love, on the other hand, does care about lust or some sort of physical intimacy, at least to a point. Romantic love may never lead into actual intercourse, but that does not mean that lust is absent. Anyone that you have romantic love for is someone who you would potentially be physically intimate with to some degree if circumstances allowed. Although each side may take time to grow and develop, the strongest attractions usually consist of an unavoidable, passionate, lusty attraction in conjunction with a romantic, emotional connection.
- NK
