I take it you have seen a lot of porn. So have I. I always think that I could make better porn than what's out there. What are some things you'd do if you made porn?
- Chris O., Montpelier, IL
I'm a natural
I guess I'd follow some basic rules:
- Do not hire skanks. Yuck. That's gross. I mean, you know you're hiring a nasty-ass as soon as she comes in the door! Missing teeth, bullet wounds, and huge stretch marks aren't many guys' idea of something hot to jerk off to.
- Female orgasms are hot! Ladies, just tell him what he needs to do. Help yourself out. Whatever it takes. If she's faking it, she's leaving with no pay.
- If he makes her feel like a piece of shit and that's not part of the deal, he's leaving with no pay.
- Hire some dudes with average dicks (and maybe a decent-looking face so the average woman could get more into watching porn). Most guys don't ever see another guy erect except in porn. We can compare our dick size to guys in the showers or whatever, but limp dick size doesn't tell you anything. So the only hard dicks we see are Lexington Steele and Nacho Vidal? No wonder so many guys feel inadequate.
- Shave that mess, guys. Go with the numbers here on this one: there aren't too many people on Earth that think that ass hair that's plastered into your crack from its own sweaty weight is hot.
- No music is really necessary. A wailing guitar during a sex scene? What a terrible idea. Your hand(s) should be too busy to do an air guitar solo and you should be banging other things than your fucking head. Don't even get me started on how some pornographers think a saxophone solo is a good plan.
- Ladies, if you're bilingual, mix it up a little bit. That is, unless your second language is German or some kind of Chinese. Bonus points for any Spanish, Portuguese, or similar language where you can say "Aye, papi!"
- No pretending like anal sex is just so easy where you can stick a pinky finger in a girl's ass for 5 seconds and then immediately jam a non-lubricated dick in there no problemo. These girls are professionals and even prepare their ass off-scene for the action. But you don't see this, so you get to thinking that it's that easy – until you try that in your relationship.
--8a. No acting like real-life anal sex is so perfectly clean that you can go ass-to-mouth (ATM, if you're hip with porn lingo) and not be in some kind of danger, whether it be from microbes or just simply being grossed out. - People can say some pretty crazy shit when they're in the midst of pleasure. However, some of these things can be totally distracting, can even cause laughter, and need to be edited out. No saying things that make no sense like, "Set that cork on fire!" or "Call me monkey - give me banana!"
- No clowns. I see this one too often, and again, this is a numbers issue. Do that many people truthfully want to see clowns fuck a woman? This market must be a very specialized market, just like balloon fuckers. I wouldn't make a whole series of clown videos because it's hard to believe that many people really see clowns as hot, sexual entities. How many people exist that go to the circus as a kid, get the shit scared out of them by clowns, become traumatized for years, and then want to blow and fuck clowns when they are adults? Nine? Ten?
Let me know when I'm up for an AVN award.
- GR
I work in sales for an ad agency. There is a new guy who is really cute who just started working on our floor. I want to ask him out but there is one problem. He definitely plucks his eyebrows, wears pink, and seems really detailed. All my girlfriends and I think he's gay. What should I do?
- C.N., Anaheim, CA
He shaves. Do you care?
Listen, a guy can be a man and still like a manicure. You think that since the guy doesn't want his unibrow that he might be gay? Let me give you a simple definition of gay. Write this down:
He has emotional and/or sexual attraction to the same sex only = He's gay.
That's it. The end. It doesn't matter what color shirt he wears, it doesn't matter if he owns a Cher album, it doesn't matter if he owns a Volkswagen, organizes his magazines, has tasted his own semen, lets you use your strap-on, or any of these other bullshit things I keep hearing. Just because a guy doesn't want a hairy man-ass doesn't mean anything besides just that.
What sense does that even make? You have a job that historically was primarily male-dominated? You wear slacks instead of a dress? You vote? You don't stay at home pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen serving a man? Does that make you a lesbian since you don't follow these ridiculous traditional female roles? No.
Our culture is changing and men's sexuality is not questioned as closely as it once was. I do agree that there is a line between where men and women start and stop. But it has nothing to do with someone's eyebrows or their shirt. He probably plucks his eyebrows just so he's someone you would ask out!
- GR
My friends and I were sitting around thinking of funny new names for a vagina. We think we came up with the funniest name ever. Can you make up something better than we did with this one?
"Toothless Blow Machine"
- 5 guys, Fordham University
College's finest minds
Yours truly sucks. The fact that you're from F.U. is actually funnier. And your mascot is the Ram? Of course it is. Anyway:
Funt.
I win.
- GR
