I'm a 45 year old male. When I was younger, I couldn't imagine sharing my lover with another man. Now that I'm more sexually experienced and have "grown up," I really am really turned on by the idea of swinging. The trouble is my wife is totally turned off by it like I used to be when I was "sexually immature." We are constantly fighting about this. How can I make this happen? When will my wife "grow up" in her sexual maturity and see it the way I do?
- Chuck U., Denver, CO
Unfortunately, maybe never. This really isn't a matter of sexual maturity. It's great that you're more open to more ideas now, but people aren't guaranteed to evolve into engaging in any sort of sexual practice. Sure, most people evolve sexually over their lifetime, but not necessarily into anything in particular. Sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that, sometimes it's a minor difference, and sometimes it's a major one. No matter how old I get, I still don't really fully appreciate British humo(u)r, even though someone told me I'd "eventually get it." If you can figure out how to map exactly where someone will end up sexually and how to get there, you'll be rich, famous, and go down in sexological history. I'll write you E-mails!
Swinging works for millions of people, but all partners must be in agreement. My advice to you is to just wait on this. Constantly pressuring your wife into it is just going to turn her off to the idea more and more. And mentally manipulating her so that she reluctantly agrees to do it will leave your experience short of where you wish it would be. Maybe she'll eventually be interested in this and maybe she won't. Maybe you'll maintain interest and maybe you won't.
None of this means that you can't work with this issue. What part is it about swinging that you think you'd really enjoy? Bring those ideas into the bedroom, if possible. Would you enjoy watching her go down on some other man while you pleasured her? Maybe see if she'd perform oral sex on her vibrator as you have sex with her. Is the idea of having sex with someone new attracting you to this idea? Role play. Or perhaps go out and pick her up in a bar like she's a total stranger flirt, buy her drinks, seduce her as you might someone brand new. You can use your fantasies to make it as real as possible. Be creative with ways to substitute what you would like from each other that you're having a hard time getting. Best of luck!
- XK
I have an average sized dick, but have always wanted to please my girlfriend with a really big one, maybe something like 12 inches. I watch a lot of porn and I think that I could really give it to her good if I had a big one like that. Do those penis enlargement pills work? If not, should I get a big dildo to use on her?
- Mike T., Brooklyn, NY
There is more to being a lover than having a dick. In actuality, I think men care more overall about penis size than women do. We are the ones that constantly compare and worry, worry, worry. Sure, there are some women that are size-queens and prefer something extremely large, but they're not all that common. Go into a sex shop and see how many 12" dildos they have for sale compared to average-sized ones. It's not an accident that they have more average-sized ones to choose from – that's what most women prefer.
Yeah right...Let's look at this simply from an anatomical viewpoint. Where are you even going to put 12 inches? Women don't just have a bottomless pit inside them. And while its ability to accommodate is incredible, the average vagina is only going to be 3-7 inches deep. You'll be left out in the cold!
You should be more than adequate with your self-proclaimed average size. Why don't you stop wasting time thinking that you're not enough for her and talk with your partner about what she likes the most, what drives her crazy, and what you two can improve on? Or go down and buy a sex book concerning something you don't know a lot about. And learn to use your best sex tools – those little things on the ends of your wrists. Simply put, your dick is pretty much a one-trick pony. Your fingers and hands can do so much that your dick can't do, no matter its size.
- XK
When my girlfriends and I talk about losing our virginity, I hear these horror stories from them about how much it hurt when they had sex for the first time. But the thing is that it never hurt for me. It was a little uncomfortable, but I actually enjoyed it and didn't cry or bleed at all. Does that mean my vagina is bigger than average? I don't remember him being exceptionally small.
- Sara, Valdosta, GA
There are a number of factors that can contribute to this. Like penises, all vaginas are different, and not just externally. This isn't a matter of a girl being "loose" or "tight."
Let's compare 2 situations here.
Situation #1) Being with a guy who is caring, affectionate, waits for your body to be properly lubricated (and even using a separate lubricant), communicating with you the entire time, and listening when you tell him to slow down or stop.
Situation #2) Being with a guy who, after about 5 minutes of kissing and rubbing your breasts, clumsily tries to shove his penis inside you all at once.
You can probably guess which would generally be a more painful experience for a woman. Other factors that might figure in here are the size of his penis, your size, and how intact your hymen was at that point. Women have different types of hymens to begin with, and over the course of their lives, they can break their hymen and when they finally have sex, it doesn't cause as much tearing as it would to a woman whose hymen was more intact.
- XK
