The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the endless sky, my love
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"
Basic question here: how can I tell when I'm over someone and ready to be with someone else?
- C.G., Boston, MA
That is a basic question, but not a simple one. I'm not sure I can even answer it.
Here is a situation concerning a person I dated, how I personally view it, and how I make it work for me. Maybe this example will help clear things up a little bit for you too.
We've all been here
I've seen a lot of relationships and been envious of very few. I see a lot of phoniness, relationships of convenience, and people together for all the wrong reasons. But I knew that my relationship with her was something incredibly, incredibly special. I'd never felt anything like that; it was something totally different than all the rest I'd ever been in. It was comparing apples to oranges, as the saying goes.
In every way, I found her to be the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen. We showed each other our best and our worst and remained together because we believed in each other as individuals and believed in us as a couple.
It's interesting to think of all the things we are taught and all we are not. People are taught a million things growing up: how to read, how to use a stove without burning their hands, how to fold a towel, how to drive, and so on. But we're never taught some of the things that are imperative in relationships; we're somehow expected to learn them as we go and by trial and error. I, like many others, never learned how to trust someone to give them all of my feelings, so I'd always held something back, which isn't fair. I also never learned how to forgive someone that I loved when they hurt me. And I certainly never learned what to do when you find someone who is perfect for you. It sounds like such a great thing, but it can be one of the most overwhelming feelings you ever experience because you want it to work out more than you want anything else in your life. And sometimes, by the time you start to realize these things, it's too late to make everything right.
Making her cry was the worst thing I've ever done and just thinking about it hurts me more than anything I've ever lost, never achieved, failed at, or I could really explain here. And now she's gone. We had talked about "forever" but this isn't the kind of "forever" I thought we meant.
Who we were at the time we made our memories, we'll always be - that man will always love that woman and that woman will always love him just as much. I still miss so many things about her, namely counting on - and believing in - us. I still think about her every day and wonder, wonder, and wonder. I made her an enormous part of my life and now that she's gone, that life as I knew it is too.
The pain is normal. But don't think that because you feel pain you can't move on. What happened between the two of you obviously affected you, so the hurting is expected. Truthfully, and unfortunately, it may be felt for a long, long time. If you think about it, you probably still don't feel great about the moment you found out you didn't get that job you really wanted or a pet that died when you were a kid. You may never feel perfectly fine about this situation either.
What I realized, and what you must too, is that you have to move on. They have. They have their own life going, and whether it's them being alone or them being with someone else - it's still them being without you. There is no other option; you can't stay closed off and emotionally unavailable forever in hopes they will change their mind about you or that it will work out somehow. Knowing when to let go and move forward it is the hard part. You don't want to do it when you're emotionally unavailable, angry at life, or will be anything but the best person you can be to whomever it is you end up with next. I don't know if you're there. Maybe you don't even know if you're there. There's only one way to find out, though.
- NK
If there's love
I just wanna have something to do with it
I just wanna feel yours
Citizen Cope - "If There's Love"
I feel like my girlfriend is all of my missing puzzle pieces. Is there any truth to that "You complete me" cliche or have I just watched too many movies?
- Tiffany, Tampa, FL
Who puts this all together?
There are a couple of ways to look at this, but in my view, the search for love is the search for what you perceive to be the ideal version of yourself. It's an ultimately complicated process of many things, with two primary events: 1) showing your partner qualities you possess and 2) taking in valued qualities they possess. This is largely for your own personal validation and your need to feel whole, respectively. When you find someone special, you realize that your relationship is an opportunity for personal growth.
So to answer your question, there is some truth to that cliche. It's a much more romantic way to express, "You represent an opportunity of growth through validation and entirety that I feel the need to pursue as part of my natural human being tendencies" for sure!
If the above is true, an interesting question is raised. Does improving oneself make it more difficult to find someone to make you feel whole? Theoretically, if you have worked hard over the years to fill many of your own personal and emotional gaps, then a partner may not be as valuable to you on the end where you are searching for that need to feel completed. Something to think about.
- NK
I got a life I wanna start, one I've been waitin' to live
Bruce Springsteen - "Leah"
I came out to my family and friends almost a year ago. I was so nervous and full of anxiety for years about it and when it finally happened, my life wasn't all that different. What I expected was that it would be a big event and that I could finally be myself afterward. Instead, I feel like I'm coming out over and over again every time I meet someone new or am put in a new situation. I also feel great about coming out most of the time but sometimes I still feel uneasy about being gay. Will all this eventually stop?
- James B., CA
It's a shame that before you can be yourself in any new situation, you have to worry about who you are, who might accept you, and who might not. Unfortunately, in our current society, often times when homosexuals grow as individuals, coming out isn't a one-time event, but rather an ongoing process. "Coming out of the closet" makes it sound like some grand event that happens once and after that you live a life that is worry free and easy. As you know, that is not usually the case.
There's nothing to be ashamed of here
Your other issue is also commonly reported. Sometimes the moments of fear, reluctance, and guilt you might feel about being marginalized by society are overcome by affirmation, desire, and acceptance. But then they might return at some future date and time - possibly even immediately after a sexual event is concluded. Eventually you will develop a self-acceptance that is very deep and will eliminate the last remaining pieces of not being comfortable in your own skin. This can take some time and will largely depend on your effort to make it happen. Give yourself permission to be who you are.
I suggest you surround yourself with positive, accepting people and go from there. I truly believe that with the right support system, surroundings, and a society that is moving towards more acceptance (although much too slowly), you will find the comfortable place in the world you deserve.
- NK
